Blog: Update On Life & What Keeps the World Spinnin'
by, 13th August 2011 at 08:14 PM (447 Views)
Honestly, Iunno how you guys can stay committed to blog so often.
It blew my mind that some of you had almost fifty and then some (100's).
I haven't been on here often as I used to and I hate when that happens. Either it's because I gain an interest somewhere else or it's just that I don't want to talk to anyone. Sure, I'll make the attempt, but I want nothing more than anything to be by myself, isolated in my house. The result is that I spend days cleaning because I have nothing better to do while I wait for that hopeful phone call from McDonalds where they say I am forever theirs. To think that I even had something great going because now I have early release, but that's a different story. Anyways, I constantly am around my pets and sure, I could TRY to go hang with my brother. But I DON'T want to hang with him. I fail to be one of those teens that poke their parents for money (apparently, they put my money in my savings account - who knew?) and go out to do something.
There are two (OK Three) desires that I have: write, draw, and read manga/watch anime. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot out there that I want to read or watch. The hype on the FMA: Brotherhood is on my nerves next to the Hetalia fascination. I tried to watch that series four times. It's impossible for me to get into it - yes, yes, PAAASTA LOVE, but I can't get into any of that fandom. It seems that the only things that interest me are those that are old school anime or anything that most people never really watch or read. Then when anyone gets into anything I had love for a year ago, I'm not interested in it anymore. I watched Ouran High School Host Club back in the seventh grade. Now everyone is all over like never before. It was great and such a hype back then, but now it isn't (in my opinion).
Drawing is a new hobby I had picked back up on. Half of me gets pressured with drawing and the other half keeps trying to push myself. It seems that I am my own motivation with things I get into. No, I would never show my parents my drawings. Knowing my mother, she would ask why or not really care. Then my dad is just one of those guys that say, "Cool," to everything when asked for an opinion. My parents had a fight over breakfast once because my mom kept pressing my dad for an opinion and he kept saying that he thought everything she made was fine. There are challenges that I face. For example, I hate the feel of skin against paper. It's just not natural and it is similar to the sound of claws on a chalkboard. Sometimes I wish I could have a guidance or small person next to me that gives encouragement.
Lastly, writing. I always talk about how I want to write this or that. The only time it seems I get into the mood to write is if it's late at night. While I try to fight to keep my eyes open, I try to type. Then because my mind is full of ideas from writing, I can't go to sleep. The usual is that I go to sleep at 3 am (the only time that I can ever sleep well), sleep in, and then procrastinate until late at night where I write. Sometimes it makes me wonder if my problems with my writing is what causes people to not take much of an interest. It is one thing to have someone there to help teach you your mistakes and it is another to understand mistakes from a book. I still have trouble reading critiques because I sometimes just have trouble to figure things out. Guess it just takes practice as anything else in this world.
There are fanfictions that I want to write and want to re-write. There was a fanfiction I wrote on here that I want to start over with. I LOVED that characters I created. Not that any of you would know. Expand the Horizons was possibly one of the only original story ideas for a Pokemon Adventures fanfic that I had and at least Legacy liked it. There was a time in my younger years where I could not stop writing for days. All I had done in class was write. Then there's the fact that I would LOVE to write a story with Paul in it, but I'm afraid no one would want to read it. Heck, it would be no surprise that even Paul would turn around and to call me Pathetic - then again I would ask him why he bothered himself, which would make him that much more pathetic than I am.
School is to start soon. I'm not that needy to be talkative. There aren't that many people that seem to want to talk with me (I don't really care about that I guess). Maybe I just want something big out of this. I'm not quite sure. A lot of people who are on here are those who I admire. That makes me wonder if that is all what sums me up. Emmy or in this case, Silver, is simply an admirer. A wannabe who wants to have a bit more consistent blog updates with followers, someone else who is intrigued into her life, a person who stands by others to tell those who started drawing or writing to continue practicing, and to amaze people with her own writing (especially those who are some of the greatest writers here).
My mom wonders how it is that I can stick out amongst my peers. No, my grades aren't that great and I certainly don't have the connections. Friends? I've gone out of my way to stop trying and not to bother telling people a lot of my own feelings, thoughts, aspirations, etc. It seemed to me that life was more about what you can do to get by. So, even if I did have that dream to some day write a novel, and even if my dad's co-workers ask me sign their books for free when I get anything published, I know that those will only become hobbies. I'm smart in a way that I have common sense. But I don't always make the best decisions and I certainly don't have the best control over my own mood swings. Yes, people are judgmental, people think that I'm a smart, over-achiever who must have a lot of friends because she knows a lot of people.
Though, why is it that I can strangely get consumed by my own writing? Why is it that even if no one else is interested, that my own writing makes my heart sink a positive way? Yes, I could be in the worst of moods, and if I write anything down, it can just bring a sunshine to my frown then turn it upside down. How is it that I can not be emotionally connected to people, yet seem to relish emotion and thought into these writings? What most of you don't know is that I have come to love myself. There's no reason I should push myself through life under the lens of other people to influence a mindset for my one and only self. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want another perspective every once in a while.
I have no doubts that no one will read this and that's perfectly OK.
At least I can look back and read this for my own reasons.
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