I need to vent here...
by, 23rd February 2014 at 10:11 PM (246 Views)
I've had a rough past few days.
See, I'm in a long distance relationship. And it's been going on for a few months now. I can say, without a doubt, I am in love with my girlfriend. On her end...well...
When we first started dating, she didn't love me like I loved her. And that was fine. We were happy.
And then Valentines Day rolled along, and she told me she loved me. It was an amazing feeling. And when I asked "Are you saying this because it's Valentines Day?" she told me that she'd felt that way for a few weeks and wanted to save it to be romantic. And it was awesome. And since then I've felt like the king of the flippin' WORLD.
...and then Friday night she gets home from school, feeling down in the dumps....
........Saturday she's still down, and she goes to the mall......
................she comes home and says all the couples at the mall made her depressed, because I'm so far away....
Trying to be a good boyfriend, I tell her "Look, if you want to break up because of the distance, I'll understand." But at first, she isn't sure if she wants to break up or not. And after a back and forth, she eventually says "I'm being stupid, I don't want to break up."
I'm relieved...for a minute. For starters, she made it clear she doesn't want to hurt me - what if she only said that so she could delay it? She said "I think I love you", and in my head I go "You THINK!? You...you said you DID a few days ago!"
But whatever. That was yesterday. Today we start talking, and I mention I love her, and she asks "How can you love a girl that lives across the country?"
I explain myself - something I've done before - before clarifying that if she does want to split, she needs to tell me. But she says "I like you. You know that. And I want to stay together."
But I ask her "You told me you were in love with me a few days ago and now you're not. How can you still like me?"
"To be honest, I don't know. There's some attraction. And I can't control it. Even if we were to break up, there'd be something I wanted back."
And I just...have mixed feelings about that. Because a part of me reads that as "I don't know why I like you, but I'll just keep dating you until it goes away."
So some more back and forth, and she says "I just said it to soon" (in regards to loving me). So, in case you need help - didn't love me when we started dating, loved me for a few weeks, made it public Valentines Day, and took it back a week later.
The way I see it, she isn't going to love me unless we meet in person and that's going to be hard to do (although I'd love to do it, as would she) and I'm NOT saying "She doesn't love me we'll never work" but....it hurts when the person you love says they love you back, only to take it back a few days later, and is super hesitant to actually say it again and truly mean it.
But we're still dating, even if it feels like the day will never come when she can say it and mean it. And I tear up, remembering how wonderful it felt to hear her say it for the first time, knowing that was merely days ago, and I probably won't be hearing it again anytime soon. Maybe not at all. I'm a mess. Everything was so, so perfect for this week off of school - it started with hearing her say those words, and not it's ending with her saying she said it to soon. It...it feels unfair....why is it the person you love, who makes you feel incredible every second, is the same person who turns you into a teary eyed blob?
*sigh* Maybe I'm just being stupid and biased. I dunno'. All I know that today - the day I find out that those three perfect words weren't meant, won't be heard again - is easily the worst day of my life. So far.
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