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SquishyFace

So I just watched Sailor Moon for the first time...

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Alright, I don't know if this counts as a review or a rant, maybe both, but I'm just going to tell you how I interpreted the first episode of this show (I watched the dubbed by the way).

So we start off with red Star Wars-like text on the screen, and a generic narrator voice tells us what's going on. Cool, so we've got a moon kingdom, a moon queen, then everything changed when the evil queen from nowhere decided to attack because she fucking could. So with the help of two moon cats or something, they send the moon princess and moon people to earth so that they could live safely from the evil bitch-queen. Apparently all of the female residents of magical moon kingdom all wear magical girl outfits as an everyday thing, while the princess is the only one who covers her legs.

Skip to 90's Japan and we've got a common 90's anime beginning. The young and naive Serena is late for school because her mom didn't bother with slapping that girl awake for school (I would say my mom does that, but instead she just puts the dog on my bed and has him pounce on my body). So of course, the girl is late for school, and while she's running she sees these douchebaggy kids abusing a cat. Then she scares them off, and sees that the cat has a band-aid on it's forehead. Serena then pulls off the band-aid (though it probably FUCKING HURT for the cat) and sees that the cat has a gold crescent moon stuck on it's head or something. Then the cat runs away and the girl runs to school.

INITIATE ALL THE TIME-SKIPS! So we get to her school, Serena bombs her test because she didn't study (like we haven't seen that anywhere else *coughAshcoughKagomecough*). Then her redhead friend and some swirly glasses nerd try to cheer her up or something like that, then her girlfriend suggest that they should go JEWELRY SHOPPING LIEK OMG! Skip back to evil bitch-queen, who is tasking a guy named Jedi- JEDI?! SERIOUSLY!? FIRST THE STAR WARS TEXT AND SOME GUY NAMED FUCKING "JEDI"?! Anyways, he is tasked with doing her bidding and he has to collect energy from all these earth-people.

Back to the protagonist and girlfriend, the two of them go to the store (which happens to be owned by redhead girlfriend's Mom) and they're having this sale on all these gems. Then Mom-who-has-a-really-nice-body-despite-being-pregnant-before reveals to the audience that she's a monster villain thing working for Jedi/evil-bitch queen. Of course, no one else hears her monologue and causes a stampede of girls to trample over Serena so that she would leave or something like that.

Then once Serena starts walking back home, she accidentally angers some guy who calls her a Meatball Head (seriously?) and then they shout at each other, then walk away. There's NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT HE'S GOING TO BE IN THE REST OF THE SERIES. PFFT, HE'S NOT GOING TO BE THERE AT ALL! *painfully obvious sarcasm*. Then the girl gets home, shows her grades to her Mom, then her Mom kicks her out of the house all like a stereotypical Asian mother. ANOTHER TIME SKIP!

So Serena gets back home, passes out on her bed, and is awakened by black moon cat from earlier. Turns out the black moon cat has a British accent and has this brooch thing. Then Serena puts it on, shouts "MOON PRISM POWER!" and goes through a long transformation scene. Now she's Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon has spidey-sense or something like that and she hears that her girlfriend is in trouble.

Once Sailor Moon gets there, she finds out that her girlfriend is a victim of child-abuse- er, I mean- the monster disguised as Mom-who-has-a-really-nice-body is attacking the redhead girlfriend and that she's using the lifeless bodies of girls and women as an army. Then we see Sailor Moon getting her ass kicked when she starts screaming, which causes everyone to go deaf. Then some guy dressed for a masquerade throws a rose at the ground which somehow distracts the monster villain, giving Sailor Moon a chance to turn her tiara into a deadly weapon of magical genocide-causing powers. So villain dies and turns into ash, mask guy disappears (OH GEE, I WONDER WHO HE COULD BE?), female army passes out, and Sailor Moon just bails, turning back into Serena the next day. Also, I'm pretty sure Jedi from earlier just got fired.

Okay, I think it's finally over and- OH NO THERE'S A PSA AT THE END! Just when I thought "Sonic says" was enough, they now have a "Sailor says" or something like that. Great... at least the theme song is catchy.

I think it's over. Well, I didn't hate it, but I didn't really like it. The whole thing seemed pretty generic to me, thus causing me to make a parody of it. Plus the fact that this was the dubbed version might have thrown off a few things for me. Also, I feel like they needed some more explanation on some things, like where the evil-bitch queen came from and why she did what she did, and why that guy was named Jedi, and why a cat from the moon as a British accent.

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Comments

  1. Karamazov's Avatar
    His name is Jedite.

    Can't really blame the show for being generic. It's the prototypical magical girl warrior show, and a lot of future shoujo shows have been inspired by it. The show comes off somewhat dated now, but the story does get really good later on.

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