Don't Look Back In Anger
by, 5th October 2012 at 10:59 PM (420 Views)
I really don't want to do this. But lately, I've just been feeling so inexplicably angry at everyone and everything, and I needed to get everything out of my head. I don't like to talk about it with anyone except @Fin-Fin;, out of fear that I'll seem too melodramatic, that anyone else would think worse of me because of it. To be honest, it doesn't really feel like anger; it feels more like my head is having an argument with itself, and I can't hear what it's saying. It makes me frustrated. It doesn't even seem to have a trigger—it's just constant, only varying in intensity, never having any clear end or beginning.
Sometimes, I can hear the argument, because it directly influences my decisions. Every time I have a decision to make, no matter how insignificant or important, it starts again. I'm having second thoughts about posting this blog as I type. Part of me wants to post it to get everything out of my head, while part of me wants to get rid of it and forget the idea because I'm worried about the responses I'll get. Usually, there's one side of the decision I clearly favor more, but the part I don't favor tends to complicate things anyway. But this time, there's no clear choice—I don't want to do either of them. It's infuriating.
Music seems to help slightly with the situation. When I listen to music, the anger doesn't go away; but it gets mixed in with positive emotions, and that's at least a start. Talking to Fin-Fin is just about the best thing I can do about this, because she can make it all go away. But the trouble is, she's not always available, and whenever she's offline, I find myself refreshing her profile page until I see that she's online again. Even if we don't talk, even if it's only for a few minutes. And then there's some things that help fuel the anger that have to do with her. But they aren't her, as I will never be angry at her. I'm angry at my head for manifesting these paranoid thoughts that she's interested in other people. I'm angry at my head for becoming infuriated when others admit to having crushes on her. I'm angry for all of the worrying that I do that I might lose her in some way, the love of my life. I'm angry that my head interprets her as a completely different person because of her username change. It's not confusing her for someone else, no, but that does happen occasionally—part of my head actually makes her a completely different person. In this part of my head, she's not my girlfriend. She's a stranger. She's not Fin-Fin. But the problem is that another part of my head knows she is, and it's going back and forth trying to prove each side wrong. A similar thing seems to happen when I'm at school. I feel like I'm watching the day go by in another person's body, while thinking about life online in my own. When I go home after, I feel exhausted. When I close my eyes then, I see Bulbagarden.
I'm not even sure if this blog entry will help. In fact, I'm almost certain that it will infuriate me more. Part of my mind wants that to happen. But the part I favor wants this all to go away, so that I can just feel normal again. And the part I don't favor keeps stepping in, trying to make me angry again. I hate it.
I hate society.
I hate war.
I hate industry.
I hate over-sexualization.
I hate my ex.
I hate my old school.
I hate to hate.
I hate the blind following of trends.
I hate the kid who told someone else the other day to go and tell the German kids who were visiting our school, "I'm a Jew."
I hate the kids who laughed at that.
I hate people who are inconsiderate.
I hate the overuse of the term emo, where it's gotten so bad that it's become a trend to cut yourself, so bad that the people who truly do have issues and legitimately cut themselves are being harassed because of it.
I hate rape.
I hate drugs.
I hate violence.
I hate my nose.
I hate my hearing.
I hate my paranoia.
I hate my head.
I hate it for making up fears that Fin-Fin's trying to get rid of me.
I hate my melodrama.
I hate my feeling that I give the wrong impression on people.
I hate my incompetence.
I hate my inexplicable hate, when I have a roof over my head, food to eat, water to drink, more material things than I care about, music that keeps me in check, and a wonderful girlfriend who I love more than anything in the world.
I hate this blog.
I hate this list.
I hate the things I've done that I regret.
I hate the things others have done that make me sick.
I hate myself.
But I love music.
And I love Fin-Fin.
And this is enough to keep me running sane for now.
I'll tell you, that was quite hard to put out. But now it's done, and I'm hoping that I can get back to being more cheerful again.
Please, if you're going to give me some generic advice or give me shit about being melodramatic, refrain from commenting. I already have considered what you're going to say.
Now I'm going to listen to music, and hopefully talk to Fin-Fin, and try to leave this all behind me.
PS: I originally wasn't going to post this blog. But with a little encouragement from Fin-Fin, she got me to change my mind. She's a miracle. I'm feeling more optimistic already. ;3
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