Look at it. Loooooook.
by, 21st March 2011 at 08:09 PM (309 Views)
Today I found a beautiful work of art among the tall buildings and various manifestations of dreary weather. There were several others just like it, but I believe the one I took for myself was the best. I say this not out of some strange bias; the sidewalk was wet and it was a busy part of town. I digress. I would like you to meet Chris.
These were scattered all over the sidewalk downtown, just left to die. Between the horrible shop job, the curly font and the inane smiley, I don't know where to start. Look at that. Seriously. It's fucking beautiful.
That stoic visage brings to mind the thoughtful, reflective expression normally reserved for the statues of the Renaissance. What most artists could not capture in the smooth beauty of stone with a lifetime of work, Chris has managed to create naturally just by existing in our undeserving world. No man could hope to re-create that strong, fuzz-covered jawline. It is a necessary evil that those no-nonsense shades hide his eyes; oh, what a person would do to but glimpse the mystery of the eyes behind those darkened lenses. Alas, if that were to happen, mortal minds would likely go mad for having seen the Divine. Look at the way the body hair ripples majestically in the breeze, the badly-mismatched tan of his time in PhotoShop bringing to light how pure and pale his face is, like that of a delicate Japanese princess. Oh, and note that "Look Better Naked!" is right across his crotch.
I can't tell if it's a troll or not, but I'm kind of thinking (or hoping) it's real. If so, the man is a genius. It takes something special to pull this off, and I think he pulled so much off that it has left us blinded in its bronze radiance, a small strip of neon green the only thing left standing.
Actually, I think it's very possible that this man is some sort of criminal mastermind, and possibly pro-eugenics. He goes about town, scattering these things, hoping to find someone dumb enough to call. He then lures the intelligence-challenged victims down into him "gym", where he is waiting.... No one can say for sure what he does between the arrival and the killing, but I think we can assume that afterwards he harvests the person's organs to fulfill some sort of sacrificial ritual in which he calls upon the Dark Gods to bestow upon him a naked body worthy of showing off, thus beginning the cycle of terror and bad font choices anew.
Regardless of the motivation or method of body disposal, we can agree that the man is a true artist who likely needs a truck to cart his enormous balls around town on his card-delivery route. Not many would have the nerve to badly-shop their face onto the hairy, barely-covered body Borat when it's at full glisten. Although this does make me wonder if this isn't his friend's face and this is some elaborate prank. Regardless, kudos; this entry is for you and your glorious self. Thank you for sharing it with those so clearly beneath your Magnificence. We hope that your business does well.
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