I need a hug
by, 1st May 2013 at 03:43 PM (465 Views)
So for the last couple of months, I've had some horrible problems with my internet. At first, Dad and I thought it had to do with our bandwidth and how much we were using. Because of that, I decided to cut back, and make some sacrifices. Unfortunately, this meant cutting myself off from most of my friends.
I tried to make appearances when I could, but when I did, there weren't many of my friends in. Including my best friend. When the internet troubles started, she was having some real problems that she needed to focus on, so I left her alone so she could concentrate on doing that. For a long period of time, I was doing nothing but writing fanfiction and, when I got it, playing Gates to Infinity. These things made me happy, but I still missed all of my friends terribly.
About two weeks ago, I got sick of sitting here in my room, alone except for the reviewers of Lola and the NPC's of my game. I wanted my site back. I wanted my friends back. I wanted my sister back. So I logged in and saw she was online, and tried to send her a PM. No response. I wait and try again the next day, still nothing. Starting to worry, I called her cell phone and left her a message, and repeated this every other day. Still no response.
Now before you get the wrong idea, my best friend/sister is a very straightforward person. She LOATHES people who use the dirty, underhanded passive-aggressive tactics that my former admin pulled. If she's angry at you, or just plain doesn't like you, she's going to tell you. She won't sugarcoat the truth. So for her to be outright ignoring me like this is completely out of her character. As for why I saw her online, she has a browser that automatically opens the most recent pages she's been on when the computer turns on, and she's a tabber, so it's not unusual for say, her husband to go online and inadvertently log into her chatting account.
So for two weeks, I try frantically to get ahold of her because I'm so incredibly worried. And then yesterday, I get ahold of my other sister. A gal who I met way back when on my first roleplaying experience. I find out from her that not only has my best friend been on, but she was actually worried about me not being online. I was so relieved to hear this, and I specifically made an account on the site they chatted on with my hopes raised that I could finally reunite with my long-lost friend. And when I asked her if I could get her screen name...I got "Well, it's not really my place to share screen names. I mean, would you want me telling everyone yours?" and I flat out told her that I completely trusted her judgement and would be happy to receive anyone she sent my way. I didn't think much of it, and we went back to talking like normal, but.....
When I logged in today, anxious and trying to calm my nerves with some AVGN videos, she comes on and I ask her if my best friend is on. Keep in mind, I told her I've been soooo incredibly worried about my best friend and I hate myself for neglecting everyone. She said yeah, and when I asked her if she's told her that I have am AIM yet, she said she did, but she doesn't seem inclined to put me through to her. Literally, the only thing standing between me and my best friend, who I cannot live without, is my other sister. And she says that she doesn't want me to be clingy and freak her out.
Excuse me? i've been gone for at least one month without contact and I'm supposed to be sane? I'm not a stalker who is going to kill the person I love for rejecting me. I'm a lonely, 21-year-old girl stranded in the middle of nowhere who has a hard time maintaining friendships. My best friend is important to me and I really want to know that 1. She's okay and 2. That she's not mad at me for pretty much dropping off the face of the earth. I'm literally one IM away from being able to re-establish that bond that I so crave, and the only person who can help me do that seems to be blocking me, and I don't understand why.
I don't want to think think, but I can't help wondering if she's purposefully trying to keep us apart? Before my net crashed, I did spend a lot of time with my best friend, but it's only because the middleman didn't really seem to care about our pokemon site. She never got into it and made fleeting appearances. I would have still talked to her if she were online, but she was gone for weeks at a time dealing with some IRL issues. I blame neither her nor me for that.
And yet, despite me outright telling her how scared and worried I am and desperately want to get back with my sister, I get the feeling like she doesn't care, and just wants us to herself. Or maybe she's lying about the entire thing and is just stringing me along while my best friend is dying in a ditch somewhere? Or it's all just in my head and I'm finally starting to snap from the isolation. Either way, I'm hurt, I feel betrayed, and as I'm writing this I'm bawling my eyes out harder than I did during the Gates to Infinity ending.
Someone talk to me, I need love from SOMEONE, and when I'm at my lowest and I can't even go to friends and family, Bulbagarden has always been there for me.
I'll do another KFR later but right now...I just need a shoulder to cry on... T^T
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