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Because Pyradox Wanted Me To

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Today, I shall be giving a critical review of Metallica's Kill 'Em All.

Since I have at least a fleeting knowledge of metal subgenres, I was able to identify this album correctly as thrash metal, though my personal favorite kind of metal is progressive. Released in 1983, it is the very first album by the quartet that would go on to become one of the most popular metal bands of all time, marking the commencation of a tradition that persists to this day: metal bands continuing to crank out new material decade after decade until we find them in positions such as the current state of bands such as Megadeth and Dream Theater; 40-something-year-olds playing away at thrash, death, heavy, speed, even progressive metal songs made anywhere between 1985 and last year as fans stoke themselves for said band's upcoming seventeenth album.

So anyway, on with the review.


Sorry, long lingo.


So, like, the album friggin' starts with like this totally friggin' radical droning metal intro or some schnitzel like that as Lars plays the drums like he's having an epileptic siezure which is TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME. Then the song, like, turns into a, like, thrash-speed-punk-or-something lick that has nothing to do with the intro but that's okay 'cause I have a short attention span. And anyway, so the song turns into the totally friggin' radical thrash metal song that somehow is still identifiable as music instead of pretentious showing off on the guitar and that's TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME.

So yeah, then "The Four Horses" or whatever starts up and it's like totally awesome and stuff and freakin' James sounds like he's been drinking hydrochloric acid which would be TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME if he did.

So then as I was listening to the sound, right, I started doing stuff on the Internet. I had a game of virtual pool with my best mate, right, and it was an awesome game, man, you should've been there. I got a freakin' DOUBLE SHOT which is TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME. I was putting my mate in bad angles and stuff and I was getting, like, totally radical shots, man. Like, this one time, I, like, shot it, and it, like, bounced off the, uh-- Hold on.

Okay, this is the pool table, right? This is the cue ball and this is the 7 ball. So I hit the cue ball and it made the 7 ball go, like, feakin' everywhere and then it smacked into the cue ball, right, and that made the 7 ball go into the corner pocket. TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME.

Yeah, so, anyway, by the time I was done I looked back at the tab I had Kill 'Em All opened on and I was like Hey, it's the SAME EXACT SONG as when I started the game with my mate. Well, apparently the song is, like, SEVEN MINUTES LONG and that is, like, so TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME.

So then I'm going through some of the other songs, but honestly, I didn't really even notice them 'cause I was, like, spacing out or something. I didn't notice the tunes or anything, it was just like "metal, metal, metal, metal" and that's cool, I mean, at least I didn't dislike it or anything. I must've liked it, then. Right?

So anyway, I'm listening to "Sleep Now in the Fire" or whatever fade out, and then I hear James say something like "Bath salts, take one." And then it, like, starts playin' this weird super-fuzzy guitar or something, and I'm like, "Where are the friggin' drums and stuff?" And I mean, this song is, like, either a slower guitar solo or somethin', or it's what happens when you just get home from dental surgery and you pick up the guitar. And THEN the drums kick in, finally, and I'm like "Dang, this is a really long intro." But do the vocals ever come in? No. It's just guitar and drums the whole time.

But THEN "Whiplash" starts up.


So I'm rocking out and stuff, and then the vocals start, and I'm songing along, right? I can't any understand any of the words, though, so I'm just like, "Nununu ragarag aranunududu WHIPLASH!".

It was so much fun, dude.

So then we get an awesome intro for "Phantom Lord" that has nothing to do with the rest of the song just like the beginning of the album which is TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME.

So James is pretty echoed on this track, and it got me thinkin' about lyrics, right? So far, the only words I've been able to pick up are "JUMP IN THE FI-YAH", "WHIPLASH", and "REALLY F***ING MAD". And that plus the title of this album means, even if I can't understand the lyrics, they must be TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME.

And while I'm thinking about all this, "No Remorse" starts. Pretty much this whole time, I was thinking of cool things about different songs, but I decide that's hard, so I, like, I decide to do this experiment, right? I decide to just freakin' rock out and air-guitar to all the songs and see if I stay in the mood throughout the rest of the album. If I get out of the mood, it HAS to be Metallica's fault for being un-awesome. Right?

So I just freakin' rock out through the whole song and then this awesome part starts, and it goes somethin' like:


And it's TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME, and I'm like, "This is so TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME!", and then James shouts "NO REMORSE", and I'm like, "Wait, this is the same song? But this part has nothing to do with the rest of the song!" But then I'm like, "Well, they already pulled that off, so I guess it's TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME!"

And it is, man.

So then "Seek and Destroy" starts, and I just like freakin' clock out, dude. It's a hard song to air-guitar to, I tell ya. So now I'm sittin' here and I'm like, "Man, this is a cool album," and I listen to the rest of "Seek and Destroy", and then I'm like, "Yep... that's a cool album."

And then "Metal Militia" starts.

And it's fast, man.

And I'm like, "Seriously? How much longer is this album?" So I look up some stats about the album and its run-time and stuff, and I'm like, "Dang, this is, like, an hour long. That's a lot of thrash metal."

So as "Metal Militia" enters its second minute of insanity, I'm like, "So, how many songs are on here now?" So I find out that "Metal Militia" is the last one... out of, like, ten. That's a pretty normal number for albums, right? But it seemed like every song was, like, seven minutes long or something! Right when you think it's going to end, it doesn't!

And then "Metal Militia" faded out to the sound of soldiers marching. And after that, almost a solid hour of thrash metal, I have but one closing thought on Metallica's Kill 'Em All.


(but seriously I liked it a lot)

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