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School feels scary ;_;

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by , 24th January 2013 at 12:58 AM (341 Views)
I don't know what in the world happened, but school feels scary.

I got a mail that I needed to return a few books back at the school library. They weren't overdue yet, but someone had reserved them that I had to return them.

But just as I stepped in the gates, I got a whoosh of fear. It felt as if school was saying I wasn't welcome, and scornfully saying I should leave. Every step felt awkward, and it seemed as if people didn't want me around.

I shoved the books in the return box and got out of there.

On the way, I dropped by my locker to retrieve some stuff, and a few people from the nearby lab said hi. By the time they were gone, I was already sweating head to toe - even when it is winter, and hurried to leave. It just barely took everything not to cry, even though I was feeling terrible. And by the time I had arrived at a nearby shop to get some warm milk, I was already imagining the worst.

yet another anxiety attack.

This wasn't the first time I experienced it. I disliked department stores only a few years ago, that I felt extremely uncomfortable and couldn't make eye-contact with anyone. Not only that, but even with all the air conditioning and ventilation, it felt stuffy and though I hadn't walked for very long, I felt tired and out of breath. I wanted to leave as soon as possible.

I'll have to return to school when winter break ends, but what do I have to do? I can't take classes like this - not when school itself is scaring me out of my wits. Everything seems to be bashing me, and I was extremely nervous when someone I knew said hello to me. That last councelor had done me no good, and I don't trust them anymore. My family is already fed up with me whining around. And apparently, the change in my attitude and personality is affecting my friends negatively that one had already told me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I don't know what to do with myself. At least I calmed down while typing this blog, but I don't know if I'll be able to get over this on my own. I promised myself I would, but I failed myself on that. Everything feels dreadful, and escaping real life to settle on bmgf is the only thing that's soothing me, even though it's temporary.

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  1. Phoenixphlare's Avatar
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    All I can think of is "Throw away your guilt and shame" I think it was a lyric in one of my hippie dads song but it's all I have. And for that I deeply sorry. But it is something you should do you have legitimate problems you shouldn't feel bad for "whining" you're a student the University is there to serve you the student so you deserve the services offered.

    But then again that's easy for me to say since I live in different culture but different perspectives are useful even if some of them are not valid.
  2. Wishmaker Jirachi's Avatar
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    Well, lemme ask you - what do you dislike most about your school experience? Once we get down to the source of the problem, you can take the appropriate actions.

    For me, last year it was my fellow students. By the end of the year I had lost faith in them completely, and this attitude only further hampered my studies.
    You're not alone on this boat.

    About the only advice I can give you otherwise is to enjoy the good part of the school experience while it lasts - you won't get many chances to experience it in your lifetime afterwards.
  3. maglev's Avatar
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    God, I know exactly what you mean, I also have anxiety attacks fairly frequently. I don't know how to get over anxiety attacks and a constant feeling of anxiety, but you'll get there :) Maybe go to a doctor and tell him you feel and maybe they'll know how to make you feel better.

    I really know how you feel, I still can't go into this bakery that I love, I'm just so scared, nothing bad will happen if I go in, but it certainly feels that way, just incredibly daunting.

    You just need to remember that these attacks won't last forever, they fade away because you start feeling relaxed. You just need to relax more :) Uni can be very stressful, so that surely won't help with anxiety, so you need to fid time to unwind.


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