School feels scary ;_;
by, 24th January 2013 at 12:58 AM (228 Views)
I don't know what in the world happened, but school feels scary.
I got a mail that I needed to return a few books back at the school library. They weren't overdue yet, but someone had reserved them that I had to return them.
But just as I stepped in the gates, I got a whoosh of fear. It felt as if school was saying I wasn't welcome, and scornfully saying I should leave. Every step felt awkward, and it seemed as if people didn't want me around.
I shoved the books in the return box and got out of there.
On the way, I dropped by my locker to retrieve some stuff, and a few people from the nearby lab said hi. By the time they were gone, I was already sweating head to toe - even when it is winter, and hurried to leave. It just barely took everything not to cry, even though I was feeling terrible. And by the time I had arrived at a nearby shop to get some warm milk, I was already imagining the worst.
yet another anxiety attack.
This wasn't the first time I experienced it. I disliked department stores only a few years ago, that I felt extremely uncomfortable and couldn't make eye-contact with anyone. Not only that, but even with all the air conditioning and ventilation, it felt stuffy and though I hadn't walked for very long, I felt tired and out of breath. I wanted to leave as soon as possible.
I'll have to return to school when winter break ends, but what do I have to do? I can't take classes like this - not when school itself is scaring me out of my wits. Everything seems to be bashing me, and I was extremely nervous when someone I knew said hello to me. That last councelor had done me no good, and I don't trust them anymore. My family is already fed up with me whining around. And apparently, the change in my attitude and personality is affecting my friends negatively that one had already told me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
I don't know what to do with myself. At least I calmed down while typing this blog, but I don't know if I'll be able to get over this on my own. I promised myself I would, but I failed myself on that. Everything feels dreadful, and escaping real life to settle on bmgf is the only thing that's soothing me, even though it's temporary.
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