I'm starting to hate real life more than ever
by, 10th September 2012 at 09:45 AM (646 Views)
It's been a week since school started, and I realized how much I was hated around.
When I said hello to some of the people I became friendly with last semester, they seemed extremely uncomfortable at my appearance and didn't look at me twice after a quick hi.
I don't know why, but I felt extreme panic - had I done something wrong? They gave me a sign they clearly did not want me around, so I left them quickly. More like, running away.
When I walk with more than two people, I realize I'm always left out of conversations. So I'd say I'm busy and leave them to chatter on themselves. I have nothing in common with them - and their conversations aren't much of my concern. They don't like pokemon - and I don't like shopping. They don't know about Nintendo games - and I don't know about the recent gossip of movie stars. They despise otakus - and I'm a fan of anime. It's not as worse when we just talk about our classes and studies, but we're human and we change topics... and I don't have anything to say.
Now the smallest pointers seem like blames more than ever. I've had this complex that seems to be the cause of my occasional anxiety attacks - fear of being framed, and/or getting blamed on forever. People often point out "You shouldn't have done that", or "You should have done this" with good intentions - but to me, I feel like I'm being questioned in court, and the jury whispers 'guilty, guilty, guilty' in the background.
No, I'm not hallucinating. But that's the amount of fear I get when someone mentions something about my actions. I never do anything horribly bad, so I do know nobody's telling me I'm at fault.
But I always feel at fault. I fear people telling me something about my actions, and I fear people hating me because I'm at fault. I dread meeting new people more than ever... only to have them never acknowledge my existence a few months later. I dread everyday and I'm scared to sleep at night because the next day will surely come, forcing me to board the train and go to school where now I have less and less friends as time goes by...
I hate real life... I hate myself. I hate these symptoms appearing, and I hate feeling down like this every once in a while. The internet community is the only place I feel accepted - because nobody tells me I'm at fault for my actions. I feel free to post whatever I like and say whatever I want without worrying about who might frame me a blame.
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