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Yato

I'm starting to hate real life more than ever

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by , 10th September 2012 at 09:45 AM (646 Views)
It's been a week since school started, and I realized how much I was hated around.

When I said hello to some of the people I became friendly with last semester, they seemed extremely uncomfortable at my appearance and didn't look at me twice after a quick hi.

I don't know why, but I felt extreme panic - had I done something wrong? They gave me a sign they clearly did not want me around, so I left them quickly. More like, running away.

When I walk with more than two people, I realize I'm always left out of conversations. So I'd say I'm busy and leave them to chatter on themselves. I have nothing in common with them - and their conversations aren't much of my concern. They don't like pokemon - and I don't like shopping. They don't know about Nintendo games - and I don't know about the recent gossip of movie stars. They despise otakus - and I'm a fan of anime. It's not as worse when we just talk about our classes and studies, but we're human and we change topics... and I don't have anything to say.

Now the smallest pointers seem like blames more than ever. I've had this complex that seems to be the cause of my occasional anxiety attacks - fear of being framed, and/or getting blamed on forever. People often point out "You shouldn't have done that", or "You should have done this" with good intentions - but to me, I feel like I'm being questioned in court, and the jury whispers 'guilty, guilty, guilty' in the background.

No, I'm not hallucinating. But that's the amount of fear I get when someone mentions something about my actions. I never do anything horribly bad, so I do know nobody's telling me I'm at fault.

But I always feel at fault. I fear people telling me something about my actions, and I fear people hating me because I'm at fault. I dread meeting new people more than ever... only to have them never acknowledge my existence a few months later. I dread everyday and I'm scared to sleep at night because the next day will surely come, forcing me to board the train and go to school where now I have less and less friends as time goes by...

I hate real life... I hate myself. I hate these symptoms appearing, and I hate feeling down like this every once in a while. The internet community is the only place I feel accepted - because nobody tells me I'm at fault for my actions. I feel free to post whatever I like and say whatever I want without worrying about who might frame me a blame.

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  1. Karamazov's Avatar
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    Sounds like they're jealous of how awesome you are. :P Or they don't know how to properly treat the Queen.
    Yato likes this.
  2. Dragonfyre's Avatar
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    I always feel like this. Always. Around all sorts of people. Here I am thinking that I had convinced somebody that I was not as retarded as other people might have them believe, then when I present myself it's back to square one.

    Eh. Life is generally a dick.
    Yato likes this.
  3. Radio Rebel's Avatar
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    I don't know you, but I know how you're feeling, I've been there and I know it sucks. I agree with Karamazov - you need to embrace your awesomeness. And remember, you're never as alone as you feel. If the Internet is the only place you feel accepted, then so be it; it's more than some people have. Hang in there, man.
    Yato likes this.
  4. Sunburn's Avatar
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    I felt that way my first year of school, nobody accepted me and nobody liked me. Eventually, I found a group of people who took me in, saw me as who I really was, and accepted that. I'm sure that if you really get out there, maybe join some clubs, you can find friends like that, people who like you for who you are. And even if you don't, you'll always have us here, and like Radio Rebel said that's more than a lot of people have. If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here for you, and I know for a fact that everyone else here at bmgf is too :) don't give up and stay strong.
    Yato likes this.
  5. Ebail's Avatar
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    I get what you're going through, I use to feel exactly the same. It might feel like to you that people don't want you around or something, but the thing to remember is just be calm, and be who you are. If people don't or wanna accept it, then they aren't even worth being friends with to begin with. Even if you do feel the internet is the only place you're welcome, you know several of us are around to help you feel better, and keep you company. I certainly do hope your life takes a good turn for you.
    Yato likes this.
  6. ChinYao's Avatar
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    I'm sorry =( I don't have any sagelike wisdom, or advice worthy of a speech by Dumbledore... I feel the same way all the time, because I have the same thing happen to me--people tell me when I've messed up, even if I already know I messed up, or they "grade" my apologies, confessions, and basically everything that comes out of my mouth.

    It really hurts to tell someone you're sorry for something and that you want to be their friend, and have them correct your apology like they're correcting a piece of homework. It hurts so bad. I can't tell you how to get past it, because I don't even know.

    Pretty much, all I can say is just find anything you can in life to smile and laugh at and find friends to smile and laugh with. You might not find the friends you need for many more years to come, but if you keep making friends eventually some of them are going to have to stick.
    Yato likes this.
  7. Yato's Avatar
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    @Karamazov; Thanks XDD
    @Dragonfyre; I guess life isn't fair and everything's just not what we want. I guess that's what life IS supposed to be... :)
    @Radio Rebel; Awesomeness? XDD I guess?? XDD
    @Sunburn; Well - yes, I suppose. The thing is...I don't think it would work where I am XDD. I really appreciate your advice, though.
    @Ebail; I already feel better :) Thanks XDD
    @Hallowheart; You're probably right. I do have a few life-long friends I could rely on. The problem being they go to different schools and they're all too busy... XDD Still, they are actually who I can truly talk to. Thanks for reminding me for what I have.

    And thanks to all of you :)
    Karamazov and Ebail like this.
  8. Momoka's Avatar
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    Don't ever hate yourself! Be proud of who you are! You shouldn't feel guilty about anything and I feel bad for the people who shun you because they will live sad lives by turning you away like that only because you like different things. You should never try to change who you are and I know that someday you will meet someone who has the same interests as you and that day will be awesome.
    Yato likes this.
  9. Mintaka's Avatar
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    @Dark Blueberry; don't let them make you miserable. It's not worth your valuable time and health. You're too good to spend time with them ;)
    Don't give up, you'll be able to find those that share your interests. Sadly those who you study with aren't such people, but don't let them discourage you.
    Yato likes this.
  10. Ash Ketchum!'s Avatar
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    Don't feel sad. Basically find people who share common interests with you. Also, be optimistic.

    "After a storm comes a calm."
    -Matthew Henry

    "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."
    -Dalai Lama

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