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for the fleeting moment.

Trigger warning.

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I'm putting a trigger warning on the following entry. If you have an ED, and/or a messed up image of yourself, I recommend you don't read it.
Once again, trigger warning.


I need to rant.


Well, f**k me.
F**k me, f**k me, f**k me.
Seriously.

I just cannot believe that on the second day of restriction I binged.
Now I feel physically nauseous and sick. I really wish I could throw-up, but I'm not bulimic and I don't think it comes naturally to me any way.

I really feel sick.
I didn't eat a lot per se; it's what I ate (an organic coconut fudge spread).
Coconut oil makes me nauseous. The first ingredient is coconut oil.

But I'm glad I feel sick. I hope this will teach my fatass a lesson.

I'm also glad Ramadan is here, because at least I can fast without fear of breaking it (as might happen if this were a voluntary fast).

Hopefully my body will make use of the calories quickly. I only started restriction about a day ago, and before that I was easily downing 1,300+ kcal and barely maintaining. I've also been doing resistance training (weighted-squats, kettlebell figure 8, reverse crunches, ab-wheel, etc.), and I've most-definitely seen improvements. Muscle is a metabolic fatass, after all.
I tried to self-recover about 4-5 weeks ago. I wanted (and still want) my period back.
I haven't had one since December of last year.

One month later, no period.
F**k it, I'm restricting again.

I must lose weight; I only have about 20 lbs to go till I hit my UGW. I want to get as close as possible, as fast as possible.

Failure is not an option.
I would just be forever grateful if I could get one thing in my life right.

In a few hours, my husband and I are going shopping for food.
I plan on buying the bare-minimum: coffee, tea, stevia, nori-- low-cal stuff only. Except maybe for tempeh. Tbh, I really like tempeh, and the anorexic and orthorexic in me are constantly fighting.

It's hard to please them both.

I have very anal health ideals. I follow a mostly raw, plant-based diet, after all (not ED-related).
I get a high when I fulfill my ideals. I also get a high when I barely eat anything.
The less food, the better.

I'm planning on doing a super-restriction diet. The fact that my metabolism recovered, means that I may very well be capable of dropping a significant amount of weight quickly due simply to the shock of restriction.

I've been hanging out on MPA, and I really like it there.
They have a section called, "Accountability," where you make a thread about your daily intake and other such things.
It's supposed to help you keep on track.

I feel embarrassed that I need such thing, but I'm getting desperate and I'm tired of being depressed.
I was depressed yesterday.
The accountability thread should provide enough pressure to control the yet uncontrollable part of me.

After all, it's super-embarrassing to post that you ate X amount of calories when most everyone else is doing better.

Failure is not an option. I can't take this anymore.

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ED. , #thoughts

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