by, 11th May 2013 at 10:26 PM (135 Views)
i'm eighteen and i'm growing increasingly worried that i have done nothing of worth with my life. my mental faculties seem to atrophy by the day, and i feel like i'm charlie gordon when he discovered the flaw in the experiment, though i'm obviously not that smart.
beginning to wonder if it's normal not to feel much romantic attachment to people: i think the last time i was even remotely interested in a girl was over a year or two ago, and that passed after about a month... i feel sexually attracted to women, but i'm not interested in pursuing a relationship. i've only been interested in two or three women in the past four or five years, and i'm sort of wondering why this is. i tend to be emotionally dependent on people, and for a rather large window of time i confused this with being romantically interested in them. but i don't think i'm all that excited about the prospect of dating someone
yesterday my mouth was bleeding. today i bit my lower lip. i might write a poem later today.
for the most part, the depression has subsided... that's good, i guess. it's lingered over my head for over six years, and it's finally abated for the first time in a very long while. i still have anxiety issues, and i've sort of devolved into a recluse over the past few months. i've become socially avoidant, making up excuses not to see my friends and quite a lot of other stuff
i've been writing some poetry in my bedroom for the past two days. none of it is particularly good, and i worry that i'm not going to find anything that i'm good at anytime soon. but i only put like thirty minutes into each poem, and not a lot of good poetry can be written in half an hour. i guess more time is necessary, for 'decisions and revisions/ which a minute will reverse.'
feel like people who frown on female promiscuity are either dour fifteen-year-olds who can't get girlfriends and believe in the 'friendzone' and are latently misogynistic or just really old. or maybe they lack self-awareness, i don't know.
i'm reading two or three books right now: moby-dick by herman melville, leviathan by thomas hobbes, and breakfast of champions by kurt vonnegut. beginning to worry if my taste in books/literature is too 'entry-level' and i'm afraid to explore the hinterlands of any specific genre... it's hot, i'm sweaty, and i haven't worked out in weeks.
people who are afraid of black people scare me. that might be because i'm black though i don't really know. speaking of which, it really bothers me when people say that '[i] don't talk/act like i'm black' for numerous reasons, most of which are obvious and therefore need no explanation
my cousin just said, 'i'll oj simpson that pussy.' i'm not really sure what he's on about, but okay.
spotify's ads get really annoying really quickly
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