POKEMON: BEST WISHES, REVISED EDITION
by, 9th June 2013 at 02:50 PM (3752 Views)
This is a parody, not to be taken seriously. If you do, that's your fault. I now present....
OK, it's no secret that I hated how stale the Pokemon anime became from Johto and onward, and that I found Diamond/Pearl the pinnacle of it's bad quality, and that I've found Best Wishes a mostly superb return to form for the series in terms of pacing, writing, animation, and overall entertainment value. Yes, I want that damn postponed two-parter (and Team Plasma in general), but other than that, I'm a happy camper.
However, a (IMHO) rather frusturating amount of fans of the anime as it was in the past really loved D/P, calling it the best saga, and hating BW because it's doing so much differently. Most of the time, I get the impression that these people would prefer BW if it was exactly like D/P and stuck with all the conventions that the anime had dragged out for so long. And so, I've decided to take a shot at writing a little drabble about how that might be like.
NARRATOR: Today we find our heroes, Ash, Hilda, and Brock, travelling the Unova region in order to reach their next destination. What else is new?
ASH: Oh boy oh boy, I can’t wait to see our next awesome stop so I can see more awesome pokemon and have more awesome battles!
HILDA: You are so right, Ash! And I can’t wait to participate in another wonderful, dazzling contest!
BROCK: And don’t forget, we’re at least 40 episodes in and Ash still needs to earn his second badge from the Nacrene City Gym.
HILDA: I’m sorry, did you hear anything?
ASH: Don’t think so. Gee, I sure am glad to be travelling alongside a girl like you, Hilda.
HILDA: Tee hee, thanks! And I just love supporting you, too. I’d never give you any trouble or call you a little kid or anything.
ASH: Yeah, ‘cause that would be an insult to my skills. We all know I’m an experienced veteran trainer and magnificent battler who never makes any childish mistakes. I’m most defenitely not an idiot hero even though I act blatantly immature and stupid in every other area in life!
HILDA: Right! And I don’t want to ever argue with you unless it’s reasoning amounts to “I’m a girl and you’re a boy”, and we make up quickly afterwards!
ASH: Uh huh! We’re two of a kind. A perfect coordiantor girl and battling boy pairing! The hero and heroine of Pokemon!
HILDA: Aaaah, I love you, Ash!
BROCK: Hello? You two? You gonna speak to me? I cook for you, I observe things for you, I explain things to you, and I have pokemon too, y’know! I don’t actually DO a whole lot and I’m not sure why I’m even travelling with this same eternally 10-year old boy anymore, but I’m in the group too! ACKNOWLEDGE ME, DAMNIT!
RANDOM FILLER GIRL: Uh, excuse me, travelers? I have a problem with my pokemon!
BROCK: WOW, WHAT A PRETTY GIRL! I GOTTA KNOW YOUR NAME AND HIT ON YOU EVEN THOUGH I’LL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN BUT YOU’RE JUST SO BEEAUUTIFUL! GIGGITY GIGGITY!
ASH: Well, sure. Even though it’ll inconvience our journey and the pace of the show, we’ll help.
HILDA: Yep! Just state the problem and we’ll be on it! Heehee!
(Meanwhile, TEAM ROCKET is watching through binoculars)
MEOWTH: Hmm, looks like dat goil’s got herself as Sewaddle!
JESSIE: Sewaddle? What could we possibly want with an icky bug pokemon like that?
JAMES: Especially one that wraps itself in a leafy cocoon?
MEOWTH: Ah, but don’t youse guys see? (goes into a fantasy sequence with GIOVANNI) Suppose da boss woke up one mornin’ and found that his behind was itchin’ like da dickins? He wouldn’t know what to do until he remembers da Sewaddle we got him! He’d put dat woim up his butt and it would release it’s substance into his anus, which would somehow stop da itchin’! The boss would be happy, and so would Sewaddle: so happy that it would evolve into Leavanny, which would serenade and caress da boss wit’ it’s leaves! And DEN the boss would say: “Because they gave me this valuable pokemon, I’ll make sure that Jessie, James, and Meowth have their fair share in it’s lovin’ too!”
JESSIE: (happily) That sounds like a swell idea!
JAMES: (happily) Let’s make that Sewaddle worm it’s way to us!
MEOWTH: (happily) And we’re sure to do it witout fail!
(Later on, the gang encouters…PAUL!)
ASH: It’s Paul! Hey, Paul!
PAUL: RRRRRGH! Why do you always greet me in such a friendly manner, Ash? Have you not caught on that I’m just going to be a total dick to you and my pokemon yet? You are so….so….pathetic!
BROCK: Uh, what is Paul even doing in the Unova region?
PAUL: You don’t know? I’ve travelled the Unova region before but decided not to go all the way, so I went back home to Sinnoh, which is where we first met. Now that I’ve battled and defeated Brandon, I’ve come to finish what I started here.
HILDA: Wow! Paul really has been to all the same regions as Ash! He is his total counterpart!
PAUL: Oh, what do you care? You’re a pathetic girly coordinator: you barely give a **** about me and Ash’s rivarly!
ASH: Hey, don’t you dare talk to Hilda like that!
PAUL: The way I talk to her is no different from the way I talk to everyone else…including my pokemon!
ASH: I thought you learned your lesson! Why do you still not love your pokemon? Why do you treat them like that?
PAUL: It’s just my way as a trainer. I could slavedrive them, beat them to death, and kill their babies if I wanted to, and it would be okay because it’s not “right” or “wrong”: it’s just different training methods from your soft and weak ones. It’s part of being a good strict coach to my good strong team.
ASH: That’s it! I challenge you to a battle, Paul!
PAUL: You truly are pathetic. Haven’t you learned that I’m usually always stronger than you?
ASH: Ah, but don’t forget that I beat you in the Sinnoh League, and I can beat you now!
PAUL: Hmph. Pathetic.
(The two trainers battle while HILDA and BROCK stand by on the sidelines)
BROCK: Paul’s pokemon has the type advantage over Ash’s. But Ash still knew how to pull off that move in a way that could defeat it. What a strategy!
HILDA: Uh, I have eyes and ears. I can see and hear what’s happening in the battle. I don’t need to have that explained to me: I’m not a moron!
BROCK: …Really? You’re not? Uh…duuuuur…
(TEAM ROCKET watches on)
JESSIE: Ooooh, which pokemon do you think we oughta steal?
JAMES: Do we HAVE to steal any of them? That will just lead to us “blasting off again!”
JESSIE: And that’s what keeps us so totally relevent to the twerp’s storyline in every episode of this show!
JAMES: (whining) Yes, but I’d rather we just…
JESSIE: (enraged, her head grown to grotesquely huge proportions) YOU DARE DOUBT MY DECISION MAKING SKILLS?
JAMES: (crying): Oooooh, I’m so sorry, Jessie! Please don’t yell or hurt me! We’ll do anything you say! (hugs onto his precious Mime Jr.)
MEOWTH: (bowing) Yeah, ‘cause even dhough you’re a mega ***** who abuses us on a daily basis, we’re your good friends and we love and worship ya!
(Meanwhile, PAUL has obliterated ASH in battle)
PAUL: (monotonouslly) Hmph. Looks like I am stronger: I won. That battle was a waste of my time. You’re pathetic.
ASH: NO! How could my training methods be proven wrong? How am I weaker than him AGAIN?
(Just then, CHEREN pops up out of nowhere)
CHEREN: Yeah, you show him, Paul! This is why you don’t mess with Paul, Ash! He’s the coolest rival trainer ever!
ASH: Oh, it’s you, Cheren. Even though you’re actually from the games, you’re just my secondary rival who constantly shills my TRUE rival, Paul. And I can easily beat YOU!
CHEREN: You’re bluffing! In my pursuit of strength, I aspire to be just like Paul! You cannot defeat either of us! Hahaha!
ASH: Well, I would have won if only my Snivy didn’t have that attitude problem that will take a good few more episodes to work out!
(BIANCA pops up out of nowhere)
BIANCA: Yoohoo, Hilda! I’m here, too! You making strides in becoming a better coordinator like I am?
HILDA: Yes, I am. So it’s really going well for you?
BIANCA: Yeah, well, since my daddy doesn’t want me to do alot of pokemon battling, and since I’m a girl on the main cast, I gotta be a coordinator! But I’ve still got some catchin’ up to do if I wanna be as great as you…
HILDA: Oh, don’t be modest, Bianca! We all know you’re a competent trainer and you’re actually a stronger rival than Cheren over there.
BIANCA: Omigosh, you’re totally right, Hilda! I’m a REAL RIVAL! Your true greatest rival, and don’t you ever forget that!
HILDA: How about we have a little practice battle to test that claim?
BIANCA: You’re on!
(CHEREN battles ASH while BIANCA battles HILDA)
PAUL: Y’know, I probably have better things to do but I’m just going stand stand here watching on with this blank, boring look on my face. Feh!
BROCK: And I’ll point out every move that gets make and explain the strategies!
PAUL: If you do that to me, so help me I’ll…
BROCK: You’ll WHAT? You do about as much character stuff as I do, Paul!
PAUL: Hey, I may be a one-note jerkass rival character, but at least I am an invincible badass trainer as well. You’re just…pathetic!
BROCK: Sure, Paul. You’re the pot, I’m the kettle.
(Meanwhile, TEAM ROCKET!)
JESSIE: D’oooh, those little twerpettes think they’re such hot stuff! But as the lovely Jessemary, I’m a much better coordinator than them both! AHAHAHAHAHA!
JAMES: Even though you’ve only won one off-screen ribbon and that other ribbon that was a fluke?
JESSIE: (enraged, giant headed) WHO ASKED YOU, YOU LOWLY IGNORAMUS?
JAMES: That’s it, Jessie! I’m through with you *****ing at me! I’m going to go get a REAL job! C’mon, Meowth!
MEOWTH: Why would we wanna do dat? Isn’t dis just a waste of screentime?
JAMES: Oh, says the cat who always breaks up with us when he gets sick of being a loser only to come crawling back in the end!
MEOWTH: Ah, just you wait! Da next time I do dat, it’ll be for real!
JESSIE: (enraged, giant headed) HEY! NEITHER OF YOU TWO ARE EVER WALKING OUT ON MEEEEE!
(ASH has easily defeated CHEREN while BIANCA and HILDA have tied)
CHEREN: Just wait, Ash! I’ll get you next time when I’m stronger!
ASH: Yeah, that’ll be the day, punching bag!
CHEREN: Hey, if Paul can repeatedly wipe the floor with you, I should be able too as well at least once! It’s so unfair!
BIANCA: That was a good match, Hilda. See you around in the next contest!
PAUL: This was entirely pathetic. I’ll be sulking away now. Hmph!
MEOWTH: Quick, now’s our chance to make another doomed attempt at poke’ theft!
TEAM ROCKET: (joyously) YEAH! HOORAAY!
(So they come out and recite their motto…)
TEAM ROCKET: Now gather…under the name of Team Rocket!
MEOWTH: We’re here to steal your pokemon, particularly DAT PIKACHU!
JAMES: Quick! Let’s retreat inside our generic pokemon-shaped mecha!
(They do so, but PIKACHU still blows it up easily, sending TEAM ROCKET flying through the air)
JESSIE: I can’t believe we couldn’t win! It’s all your fault!
JAMES: I can’t believe your still *****ing at us!
MEOWTH: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
TEAM ROCKET: Looks like we’re blasting off agaaaaaain! *twinkle!*
HILDA: Oh brother, what bungling losers. And they cause the most inane conflicts, too!
ASH: Yeah, do they actually think they’re a threat or something?
(Champion ALDER then steps out from nowhere)
ALDER: Nice job, trainers. And remember to keep up your rivalries: they bring people closer together. Something truly special is born when these lives touch…
ASH: Yeah, except that I’m going to forget that Paul even exists, let alone that he’s my main rival, until we meet up with each other again!
ALDER: Oh. Well, uuuh, moving on now! BYE!
(Sometime later, the gang sees a sinister looking airship flying overhead)
HUNTER J: I have returned, Ash Ketchum! And you cannot stop my operations this time!
ASH: Pokemon Hunter J! You’ve inexpicably returned from a situation where survival was impossible!
HUNTER J: I wasn’t about to stay dead! Not while there were still more innocent pokemon that I could hunt and make a profit off of.
ASH: You’re so mean, Hunter J!
HILDA: I can’t believe there are actually people like you existing in the world: evil people who do bad stuff that hurt others! It’s too horrible!
BROCK: Yeah, how dare you be such a villain! How dare you trouble pokemon!
HUNTER J: Shut up, brats. You’re boring me now.
ASH: I’ll stop you, J! For whenever you’re up to bad stuff, I’ll be there! I am your eternal enemy!
HUNTER J: And yet I’ll still escape even after you’ve stopped me. Does all this really accomplish anything?
ASH: It accomplishes much in the battle of good against evil! Which may not be as important as a battle between rivals, but it still matters!
(Hunter J has turned pokemon into stone statues, when suddenly…)
PLASMA GRUNT: Hey! You cannot do that to pokemon, foul human!
PLASMA GRUNT 2: We, Team Plasma, shall liberate pokemon from the likes of you!
ASH: But you want to take ALL pokemon away from ALL trainers! That makes you as bad as J!
PLASMA GRUNT: So what? We’re still going to engage in our criminal activities until we reach our mysterious evil goal!
HUNTER J: Didn’t you JUST say that your goal was the liberation of pokemon?
PLASMA GRUNTS: …………………..
ASH: I don’t care about any of that! You do bad stuff to pokemon, so you must be stopped!
PLASMA GRUNTS: Just try to stop us, kid! PLAAASMAAAAAAA!
(They call out easily defeatable pokemon that are easily defeated by our heroes)
HUNTER J: I’ll use this as an opportunity to escape.
(She gets in her airship and flies off, only to then realize…)
HUNTER J: Damn! I left the pokemon behind! Oh well, I’ll just find payment for another evil job.
(TEAM PLASMA scoops up the paralyzed pokemon)
PLASMA GRUNT: Hah! Even in defeat, we have still won! These pokemon and the stone substance they are now made of shall prove useful to our plan!
PLASMA GRUNT 2: Our king shall be most pleased with us! For we are the one, true, competent evil team of this region!
PLASMA GRUNT: But now we must depart until the next time we appear to be obstacles on your journey! Mwahahahaha!
PLASMA GRUNT 2: Yeah, ‘cause that’s what we meanies do best! Mwahahahaha! (They both escape)
HILDA: I wonder when “next time” is gonna be….25 episodes? 50, maybe?
ASH: Yeah, we can’t afford to worry ‘bout them. We have more fillers, training, battles, contests, and mini-arcs to engage in!
(TEAM ROCKET has been watching this entire time but doing nothing)
JESSIE: Oh, how I hate that Hunter J! She has no business being a villain if she’s going to be so mean and efficient about it, unlike us!
JAMES: And those Team Plasma goons…their outfits are attrocious and tacky, not to mention the knight gimmick is so unfitting for pokemon thieves!
MEOWTH: Dey got nothing on Team Rocket! Even dhough da whole gang ain’t backing us up here and we’re incompetent, ineffectual, totally brain-dead screwups who can never catch a break ‘cause we never learn better, we appear more often, so dat makes us da REAL villains of villains here!
JESSIE: We’re the best!
JAMES: Better than all the rest!
MEOWTH: Dere’s just no contest!
TEAM ROCKET: (jollily) TEAM ROCKET RULES FOREVER! YEAH!
(Meanwhile, at Team Rocket HQ back in Kanto)
MATORI: Giovanni, sir. How do you think Jessie, James, and Meowth are progressing in their mission in the Unova region?
GIOVANNI: What mission? I just gave them that promotion and sent them over to Unova to get them out of my hair. Now that they’re there, they can just goof off, fail repetitively in their endeavors, and “entertain” audiences with their predictable antics, and I do not care.
MATORI: But what of that other criminal organization, Team Plasma? Won’t they be a threat to Team Rocket’s goal?
GIOVANNI: I do not care about that group, nor do I care about those three fools I sent out to deal with them. In fact, I want to forget that they even exist!
MATORI: You don’t give a damn about anything, do you, sir?
GIOVANNI: Why should I? The true Team Rocket is no longer relevant. And this show sucks, but I seem to be the only one who realizes it! *grumble grumble grumble.*
(Episodes later, our heroes have reached Nimbasa City and are at the big ferris wheel when…)
N: Mind if I get on with you?
ASH: Ummm, sure.
N: Thanks. I love ferris wheels. The circular structure and motion they make fascinates me, plus they’re the perfect place to molest unsuspecting trainers.
N: You heard me right. I should tell you that I am Team Plasma’s king. However, I have strong feelings for you, Ash Ketchum. You and I are so very much alike. We both love pokemon to a fault and will fight for their safety. Perhaps under different circumstances, we could have been friends…or more….
ASH: Uuuh, I need an adult!
N: Before we go back to being enemies, let me make love to you, Ash. Even though you don’t really have a clue what love is and will no doubt forget about me after we’ve parted ways, your kindness and your love for your pokemon has given me a serious crush on you.
ASH: Oh, COME ON! I thought it was just girls who did this!
N: Hey, this show’s been playing it safe so far. Might as well try SOMETHING different….
ASH: But N, there are little kids watching this show!
N: So? Childhood trauma can be good for them! It did wonders for me.
ASH: Who would actually want to see this anyway!?
N: Fangirls, Ash. Fangirls.
ASH: Damn it!
N: But though I love you, I am still a diabolical villain! And once I have the power of Reishram under my control, I shall use it to create a world exclusively for pokemon, seperated from the world of humans! The only human that shall enter there…will be me! It will be a perfect world, and one that is mine….MINE ALOOOOONE!
ASH: GET ME OFFA THIS THING!
(We see our heroes walking along again)
ASH: Boy, that was some battle, huh Pikachu?
HILDA: And quite a contest, too, huh Oshawott?
ASH: And I wonder what pokemon we’ll see next?
HILDA: Hopefully, it’ll be something highly marketable!
BROCK: Now before the next battle, we can’t forget about your training.
ASH: Oh yeah, that’s right! Let’s spend episodes training some more, perfecting our pokemon’s moves, levelling them up, developing new strategies, engaging in more rivalries, and working out all of our pokemon’s contrived problems so that all of it can have payoff in the end!
HILDA: Yeah! Even though that slows the pace and pushes the actually interesting stuff farther and farther away, it must be done! Because it’s what’s truly important! Everyone needs to see the complete lives and actions of the main trainers!
BROCK: And if we’re lucky, we’ll have some more five episode filler mini-arcs too, so that this season can last for another three or four years!
NARRATOR: And so, with the new valuable experience that our heroes have gained in whatever the hell happened here, they take more steps closer to the Unova League! What more pokemon, training opportunities, rivals, and misadventures await? Find out as the journey continues on…and on…and on…and on…and on…and on…and on
TEAM ROCKET: You know there’s something you should know! … (prancing around hyperactively) WHEHWHEHWHEWHEHWHEHDEDIWHEHDERPYDERPDEDERPDERP!
TO BE CONTINUED....
(No, it's not really to be continued, that's the end. Yeah, I don't know what I was on when I made this, but there you have it. I think it rings true!)
Credits to ObjectionMan
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