by, 11th May 2010 at 03:44 PM (257 Views)
Writing is a difficult process for me, and it's odd to say that when I supposedly love to do it. I think I love thinking about it more. I can generate ideas pretty fast and efficiently. Actually working up the nerve to sit down and write them? That's where things start that slow down and become srs bsns.
My inner critic freaks me out because I just can't please it. And it's always rather harsh on me. I hate feeling like a failure, but I treat myself like one so my story won't be. Does that make any sense?
I've had someone tell me I have a serious inferiority complex. I don't deny it. Modesty is what I think it comes down to. I'd rather encounter people who are humble or modest about something amazing they've done than to encounter someone who's done something mediocre who thinks they're fantastic afterwards.
Of course I'm not really thinking about writing instances when I say that. I've encountered more of that with artists.
Anyway, I digress.
I don't know. If I don't write for a while and then finally sit down to write something, I feel great in the beginning. Usually all of my ideas have spent enough time in my head to be completely mapped out from beginning to end with only few details missing that I fill in as I go. Sometimes that filling-in leads to different directions I hadn't thought of before. Generally, it works out. However, by the end of a chapter I feel like my quality has completely depleted, that I'm no longer writing my idea but writing to get to the end. I never want to take a break in the middle when I still feel so-so because I don't want to lose my inspiration. I don't want to get distracted.
Most of the time, I just barrel ahead and say I'll fix it when I revise later. This is when a beta is useful because I can never catch all of my own mistakes. However, finding a good beta is nearly impossible. People who have great ones are extremely lucky.
I'm currently writing an entry for a Palletshipping contest that I'm pretty happy about, but I've run into all my old problems again. I took up this chance to enter the contest in hopes that it would break the large dry spell I fell into again. For something I used to love to do, I certainly don't do it a lot anymore.
Seriously, I still remember a time when I was younger when I was just go - I would just write like the wind. I didn't give a damn about anything other than the fact that I was having so much fun bringing characters to life in situations I always wanted to see. It felt fantastic. Somewhere along the line, I started looking around and became blatantly aware of my lack of skill. Someone told me that I had skill, I could write like those amazing authors, I had potential, I just needed polishing. So I spent years trying to polish myself into what I wanted to be (which was usually someone else with blatant disregard to my own style if I had one).
I'm still stuck in that battle. I don't think I'll ever be happy with my stories or my writing in general because I'm still stuck between finding out who I am as a writer and who I want to be. My ideal self and my realistic self are at odds. And it sucks.
I'll have it figured out some day. In the mean time, I'm going to try my best with this story and see if anyone enjoys it.
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