Jeshi

I have a confession to make.

This may look like a baww of a fan, who's upset that their favourite characters haven't appeared for 10 episodes arleady (and counting), but I need to tidy up my disordered thoughts and feelings. I need to speak up my mind, otherwise I feel like I may go mad. I really stopped reading Bulba and checking any news concerning Pokemon. Just the mere mention about Pokemon makes me feel sad.

I've been wondering for years, why I love Rockets so much? I just guess they found me at the right time to help me. Rockets don't have any regrets about their life. They're happy they way they are, they're happy that they're free of conformistic rules of the world. They're happy that they're together. They secluded me in the safe world of dreams. They changed my life for better and I owe them a lot. But still, it wasn't enough of an explanation to me.

I've found out when reading one of Shudo's blogs entries.
The thing is, they believe, that their existence is important. They may not be the main characters on the show, but they act as if they were one. Thanks to that, they became real.
There is 7 billions of people in this world. Thinking about it, we don't mean anything as individuals. We're nothing more than a statistical number. But we want to believe that we mean something. From our point of view, we're the main characters of this world, because we see it with our own eyes. We create our little universes around ourselves and we play the main role here and now. It's not about being a president of United States, not about being a hero who saved hundreds of lives, not about being a scientist who invented the cure for terminal illness
I ended up crying and stopped reading his blogs for months. We're the protagonists of our own play and that's how we feel we're important.

All my life I've believed I'm not worth living just because my existence isn't important to the world. I've been sickly ambitious to be always the best. If I wasn't the best I was good for nothing. I wanted to become someone, but in the end, instead of this being the power of driving me to the top, it was driving me to the bottom. I planned to commit suicide when I turn 40 in case I didn't achieve anything until then. It was a careful plan, and I was thinking about it almost everyday for many years. I was never happy with the effects of whatever I did and always
That blog made me realize how stupid I was. I've always felt that Rockets were different but I've never realized, how. Something attracted me to them, but I couldn't call it. It had to kick me hard in the ass to make me see it. After reading, I suddenly felt so ashamed about myself that I cried.

I wanted to change my life after that and I was full of positive thoughts. But, a month or two later, BW started and a lot things about Rockets changed.

When BW started, I had hopes for something good, and I was excited about that. Yet deep inside I had a fear that all of this would come to fuck up. I feared that the writers wouldn't be able to handle them being serious after so many years and they get stale. Most of it this is fault of the earthquake/tsunami, but seeing that after a year since that happened they still don't know what to do with them, I feel very disappointed with BW. I got my hopes up after I learned that Tomioka stays as the series compositor in BW. I thought he wouldn't disappoint me, after the awesome job he did in DP.

A month after BW started Shudo died, and I felt devastated, because that meant the only person who really understood what's going on in my fucked up mind was gone. I felt as if I got orphaned. The fact that he died so soon after the "death" of the Rockets as we knew them added to my uneasiness.

Meanwhile, many different personal problems and failures piled up, I completely lost the control of my life, because unlike earlier, I felt like Rockets weren't there to help me. I fell into depression and I couldn't do anything at all. I thought that I wasn't able to finish my Japanese studies and I resigned from the uni I was in, even though it was fucking hard to get into. I decided to take a year off to think what I'm gonna do next with my life. I started attending to psychologist and psychiatrist, a few months later I participated in a group theraphy. Started taking psychotropes. I started to live again somehow, I even came for a month trip to Japan (which I wouldn't dare to do earlier) and continued Japanese studies. But I still feel empty inside. Something's missing.

Looking back at what's happening to Rockets in BW, especially in last few months, I feel very uncalm. I don't have a clue what writers plan to do with them and if they even plan to do anything. After 3/11, they don't seem to move into any direction. They slowly got stale and appear very little. It makes me even more upset when I'm almost sure that they will leave after this gen.

It's not like I feel that BW Rockets are OOC. They're still the same, good old Rockets, but they're just shown in different cicumenstances. After they got to the top of TR, they seemed to forgot about the main point of their lifes. Until then, they were happy even though they weren't succesful. Now, being too busy with their work, they miss everything else that made their life worth living until now, all these little joys of everyday life. Sure, they're living their dream and they make their best to not lose that chance. But in the process they made it seem as if work became sense of their life. We're succesful, so it's worth living. I know they aren't like that, but the writers don't really show them in other situations to make us think otherwise. That's completely different from what Shudo's planned for them.

I've believed it's a part of their character development and for a long time I've been ok with the way they changed. At the end of DP I couldn't see where they could go from then, so I was excited when they got this new role, because I hoped for something amazing to come from this. And besides, I've always wanted them to become more serious, especially since "The Origins of Love and Youth!" special episode. But I didn't want them to get stale.

I don't want them to get stale. But what I don't want even more is them leaving. Never ever. I've been scared for this to happen for many years, but it never felt so real like during BW. I knew this needs to happen someday. And I knew I'd suffer badly when this happens. But I thought I'd get over it eventually, after some time. Now I know I won't. I've lived loving many different characters, especially these coming from manga/anime, but any of them can ever replace Rockets for me.

I'm scared. I can't imagine my life without Rockets. I didn't need drugs when I was ensured about them appearing every week to bring me comfort, no matter of any shit that happened. Now these pills feel like the only thing I can count on. This is funny, but since I was 13, I've been saying that Rockets are my anti-drugs. Now it turned out to be true. What will become of me, when they leave for good?

This is something I've always wanted to talk about with a psychologist, but never could push myself to do it. I don't have a clue, what their reaction would be.

I'm sorry if was long, messy and hard to understand, but I don't think I can express it any better.