Kaori

Sometimes doing what you should've sucks.

, 14th December 2012 at 07:15 PM (231 Views)

In the nine months since I got my dad to leave, it's been playing on my mind a lot. He was horribly warped and abusive for so many years, yes, but lately I have all these nightmares that he comes back furious, all these horrible feelings of guilt about what his feelings might've been, all this regret over giving up the only dad I will ever have had. Usually I try hard not to linger on the past or to mourn stuff too much, but the past couple of weeks have just been horrible in that sense because it's a struggle to admit that part of you regrets taking such strong action. He was still my dad, even if he did shout and threaten and guilt and continuously insult and blame and undermine. If I could've just made him stop treating my mum and sister like that, I wouldn't have done anything about how he treated me. I know I did what was best for the family in the long run and I know my mum has never stopped being proud of me for it since, but sometimes I just find myself thinking "crap, he was your dad. why did you do that? only you would go and get yourself disowned just because you couldn't shut up and carry on". I'd tell anyone else they had made the right choice, but it's just eating and eating at me and I feel ill and unsure and maybe it's only just sinking in that I just don't have a dad any more and maybe it's stupid, but I miss having one. So very sorely. It's like there's this terrible gap in the family and as time passes I realise that I gave up not just him but an entire life situation, because now I have lost a lot of family on his side and we sure as heck aren't holding out too well at all financially.

Sometimes I just sit and ask myself what the heck I did and why and why I couldn't just shut up and endure it like my mum and sister did. I feel stupid for missing him but he's my dad even if he was a pretty terrible one. I'm petrified that somehow some little part of me will always wish I hadn't done this because I just still don't know if I really did the right thing and it's the most sickening feeling.

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Comments

Nasch - 14th December 2012 07:50 PM
I'm so sorry. You did a really brave thing. There's no way protecting your mom and sister like that could fall short of heroic. It's horrible you all had to put up with all that. I hope you're able to see that there's nothing for you to regret, and that you're able to heal soon.
Savi - 14th December 2012 07:51 PM
I read that and feel like you did the right thing. I'm not going to say I know how you feel because I really don't, and I probably can't understand what you must be going through right now, but, people make decisions. Things influence them. Your dad chose, ultimately, to treat you and your family members the way he did. There could have been other influences such as drugs/alcohol, but you've left that out so I'm not going to assume anything.

It's never the victims fault, and feeling guilt is a natural part of it. I've been through some horrific things in my lifetime, and I'm actually going to court next week because of it, but guilt plays on my mind every now and then. I sort of feel like it's my fault, but the fact is, I won't be the one having to live with it if I choose to not let him win.

In the end you should keep your head up, and just remember that you have your mum, sister, and the family and friends that care about you to be thankful for. ^_^;

Good luck and I hope you all feel a lot better soon D:
Jabberwocky - 14th December 2012 11:15 PM
There's no way for me to begin to imagine what you're going through, but I hope you know that if you ever need someone to talk with or just someone to listen to you, that I'm here for you. Alright?
Fab - 15th December 2012 06:26 AM
From what I know about your family life, you made the right decision. I think you're just second guessing yourself, and you have no reason to. You're a very brave and strong woman to rise up to your dad like you did.
Kaori - 17th December 2012 06:19 PM
Thank you, you guys. It has been kind of hard to process everything differently and actually set about seeing things in a better way, but I have been trying over the past few days. It's difficult when you have to give up on the idea of somebody who used to show at least some hints of goodness, but I don't think I could forgive the way he treated my mother any time soon and I don't want anything he caused and doesn't even care about to hold me back any more.