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Feeling Down

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Wow. Haven't been on here in a while, have I?

It's 11:13 pm and I've had late nights for the last couple of nights. I've been trying to get to sleep for ages, but I just can't for some reason.

When I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, my brain starts working overtime. I start thinking about things that occasionally, but rarely, worry me in my awakened state. Tonight has brought on such an occasion. I've been thinking about my future. How my life is going to work. Specifically, how I'll get a job and sustain myself.

When I was about 10, I went to see The Phantom of the Opera live. It was stunning, spectacular, inspiring... I could go on for hours. That was the day that I fell in love with musical theatre. For five years, I've dreamed of being in musical theatre. It's my dream job. Unfortunately, dreaming is easy. Making dreams come alive is less so. I am fully aware that theatre is an industry in which much talent is necessary. There is no doubt in my mind that I completely lack the requirements for this field. My singing is nothing special, I'm not a dancer, my acting is passable and my confidence is laughable.

Not only does this realisation put a gaping hole is my already dwindling self-esteem, it made me think, What other fields are there in which I could work? As it turns out, not many. Lack of concentration puts a desk job out of the question. Bad memory affects my chances at securing many jobs. I am told that I write well, but writing is hardly a stable career, and confidence is needed to put a bit of your soul on a bookshelf for all to see. Speciality jobs are rather unappealing to me, since I do not excel in one particular field. It occurs to me that these are not the only types of jobs that exist, but they are the ones that cross my mind at this point. I'm a fifteen-year-old having a crisis about what to do with her life. That thought does not help matters.

Now it's 11:25. I suppose that one source of all of this worrying is the fact that I really am very tired, and at the same time quite emotionally drained, due to recent disagreements with my parents and general feeling of un-favouritism towards myself on their part. At least that's something normal for a teenage girl to be thinking, I suppose, although that though brings little comfort.

Perhaps when I awake, refreshed, my mood will be lighter, and I will read this blog post and wonder how on earth I was feeling this way.

This blog had become rather lengthy. Coupled with the fact that hardly anyone, if anyone at all, will read this, this post could be considered a colossal waste of time that could have been spent sleeping. Somehow, it feels better to have put my feelings into words, even if no one will read them.

I often wonder how unnatural I really am. Do other girls my age have thoughts like these? Or am I just unnatural? And what does unnatural mean? Does it even matter? Would it be considered unnatural if nothing unnatural ever occurred, given that things being unnatural are completely natural?

Ugh. I need to sleep. If you have read this, then I thank you for your patience.


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  1. Dragonfyre's Avatar
    I can relate. Questions, questions....they keep me up at night. I can start trying to sleep at 10 pm, and end up sleeping at 1 am.

    I also have no idea who I am, what I want to be. I mean, I still have no idea what I'm taking for college.
  2. Jack Pschitt's Avatar
    It's totally normal for people our age to think about the future. And really, they should. I guess the most I can say is that lack of confidence isn't a sickness or anything. It's curable. Not all that easily, but the only thing really keeping you from doing things is yourself.

    I don't really know where I'm going with this, and I'm not good at advice anyway, so there you go. Take my words as you will.


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