i havent really talked about my personal life on here as much; mostly on my personal tumblr. i feel the need to just let this out somewhere and here has to be it.
so, my family has essentially been absolute pricks to me about everything. they call me failures everyday. it seems i cant go outside my room without being automatically insulted by them. i dont understand why. i have ok grades in school and im trying my hardest everyday. im constantly stressed out because of them and school and i can never seem to get a break. there's always something on my mind and it's begun to get to feeling like i'll never get rid of a burden. there's only so much weight i can carry on my back and im about to snap my spine if i continue.
this week i've been hammered with homework and tests and im just about to break. im pretty sure ive let all my teachers down, not only my family.
i feel like im letting down my friends too. even my girlfriend. i feel like such a shitty ass lover and i dont deserve anyone. sometimes i feel like telling her im sorry for how pathetic i am.. it sucks with distance because i cant be there for her. all i can do is constantly apologize and hope things will be better for her. it makes me so angry and aggravated at myself and... augh. when dealing with my friends i can never seem to make them feel better when they're sad and i feel constantly ignored by them. i feel like the third wheel; and i know i am the third wheel. im the third wheel in every fucking friendship i've ever been in. i mean, the new school i've entered has given me so many opportunities for friends and now im fucking everything up like i always do. all my friends are losing faith in me and someday they'll leave like everyone else. the only thing i say now is good-bye. it hurts. it really fucking hurts. and then when i try to talk about it no one understands. no one cares. no one even bothers to listen.
and then it's the self-image issues and insecurity. i cant look in the mirror without thinking "what is this?" and wanting to vomit. i hate my body so much i want to rip off my face and replace it with another one. everyone else is so pretty and im not and... ugh.. im absolutely horrendous.
and then there's the writing. i fucking hate my writing so goddamn much. every single time i try to write something i get frustrated, yell at it and myself for being a pathetic piece of shit and having no talent. i tried to write something today and i couldnt get a single sentence out before i started fucking crying and calling myself worthless. and dont tell me im not worthless or that im a good writer. my parents call me a failure everyday and whenever they read my writing they tell me i could do better. my friends dont even give it a glance. i used to love writing for fun and thinking i was pretty good and now i know i suck. i could quit but im not going to because writing has offered me comfort when nothing else has. it helps me cope with my stress, depression, anxiety, and sensory integration disorder (a type of autism if you dont know). now it's just... now i dont know anymore.
honestly ive been through some bad addictions. i dont want to list them but i constantly think about them everyday and i want to go back to it so it can relieve at least SOME part of the pain i feel now but then i chicken out and im so indecisive and i just... i fucking hate myself so much. it's unbearable some days.
yeah dont click that spoiler unless you want to get hit with some nasty teenage angst.