Thinking back on my life and going through all the problems in my head, I can't really pick out something that really sticks out. Amongst the stress and drama in school, there's stress and drama at home. Then there's the doubts about my future and feeling like I'll just end up on the streets like most kids. I'll be the sham of the family; the daughter that was just a nobody. I hate feeling that way and I hate constantly thinking about the future and what it holds because it scares me. I lose sleep because I think of it as I toss and turn in my bed and sometimes I end up crying because it's the only thing I can do anymore. Right now, sitting here, I can't really tell if I'm happy anymore. I can't tell if I'm even sad. I'm just sort of numb. It's difficult to pinpoint what exactly I am feeling but it frustrates me too and turns into an issue which turns into another and another and another and... I just want to stop thinking.
I want the world to stop sometimes. I want to rest and take a breather and relax. I want to quit thinking that I am no good and everything I'm doing is all a waste of my time.
There was a point in my life last year where I realized something. I questioned what exactly compelled me to stay. Here. On this planet. I wondered why I was living and what I was living for. It's sad to say that the thought hasn't yet left me. I still haven't found who I am. I'm changing and I don't like it. All I want is something to stay constant inside me but I'm constantly flipping back and forth and fighting with myself and I'm coming to terms where I think I'll never be satisfied. That I am constantly changing. I am never still. I'm moving forwards to wherever and there's nothing I can do about it.
I don't have plans in mind to help this. I feel maybe it's just how it will be, but, I feel I need to start depending more on my friends. So far, I've only helped myself and it's gotten nowhere. I need that extra push to help me get back on my feet. You know, it's like I've been sitting on this ground for a long time and smiling but never getting up because I can't. It's like I'm paralyzed from the waist down and I need new legs to stand on. I guess new legs are kind of a new life, and, that's impossible, so I just need crutches. I need a wheelchair. I need something to support the paraplegic inside me. Right now, I can only turn to my friends and family and hope that they grant me the favor I ask of them. I'm going to let go of my stubbornness that makes me so alone in my little word and reach out my branches. I will grasp whoever is willing to be there and hold them until I am shaken of this terror and crushing hurt. I'm waiting. I will wait for however long I need to. Help is coming, I just know it's out there somewhere.