Verge of collapse...
by, 16th September 2013 at 06:39 PM (12320 Views)
I think I'm about to crash and burn... badly.
Things have gotten from bad to living hell. While mom has rebounded (surprisingly) well from her surgery, things are just falling apart here. Dad has become so negligent about anyone's needs except himself, disappears for random, meaningless errands, ignores (or even forgets) about anything else, and is chasing after a lost cause. I was just screamed at by mom due because of dad's lack of care, foresight, and total randomness has boiled over in her. He just seems to be in his own little world where he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. I think he's going senile, which is not good for any of us. And I am at the breaking point. Everything has landed on me because dad seems to no longer care or is totally, utterly oblivious to everything. I knew he wore rose-colored glasses, but now it's like he's in his own little universe where he can do whatever he likes without repercussions. Things are starting to get desperate. Even if we confront him about this, it's like he automatically turns off his ears (considering how deaf he is already, that's not good). We used to think anything "negative" would go in one ear and out the other, but now I think it doesn't even make into the first ear.
Insult to injury, it seems that he's no longer doing his substitute teacher gig (at least at the moment). He's now spending the day at one of the local schools trying to "straighten out" this insane kid who the whole school system wants gone. He's also making babysitter money for this. Heck, I think you can make more money at a homemade lemonade stand for an hour than he's making right now. There are no benefits, no real purpose, and the whole system wants this kid gone for good. Basically, a total lost cause, or LC as I call them. What I believe he "wants" are, you could say, brownie points so that the local schools will hire him for a full-time job. Yeah, that's gonna happen. I doubt even my old tutor, who was also a very successful street counselor, could "save" this kid, and he's got to be the most understanding, adapting, and placid man on the face of the Earth. I really hope this whole thing falls through and he goes back to his subbing job. If the whole school system has no faith in bringing this punk around, and he is pretty much a menace to everyone around him (he broke another kid's arm because he "felt like it"), then why is he chasing after a pipe dream?
And some people think I can get lost in my own little world. At least I try to keep things straight and together. But I am at the verge of a mental collapse. My physical health is also taking a hit, as I feel like I have a constant fever, heavily beating heart, and always tired. I'm trying to sort things out, trying very hard to keep the peace, but I'm beginning to lose it myself, and both my physical and mental health are crumbling as an end result. Sadly, I can't just leave them, as both are becoming totally helpless, but staying will destroy me as well.
I... I just really don't know what to do... I'm pretty much not only the therapist of the family, but a nurse as well. They might as well give me a Ph.D at this point after all I've been through, 'cause I think I'm qualified to have it with all I've done. I handle pretty much everything now, and the wear and tear and overwhelming consistency of the problems are leaving my life in ruins (not that I was all that well-off to begin with, surviving mostly on government disability funding and insurance, and already facing several mental problems as is, but you get the idea). I cannot escape, as it'll only make things worse, but staying is doing the same thing. I'm really considering sending them both to a retirement home or something, as they are more qualified to handle these things than I am, and I'm barely hanging on myself. On a possibly high note, that should keep mom from her excessive Ebay shopping (she said twice now she'd stop, saying it's gotten too "scary" for her... yeah, that's gonna happen...)
I try to just keep battling, keep pushing through in hopes that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm starting to lose hope and strength. My body and mind are falling apart as fast as this family is. I'm not sure what's gonna happen first: the problem gets sorted out or I end up in the nuthouse due to a total mental breakdown. At this point... I think it's the breakdown possibility, because by the time this problem gets sorted out, I may be in a padded room in a straight jacket, with a mind turned into yogurt.
I... I just have no hope for my future now. My life was already barely holding together, courtesy of years of physical and mental beatings, and now this nightmare. I... I really have no idea what to do or how to continue. We're on the verge of collapse... and I'm the only weak thread keeping it from happening. But I'm not sure how much longer I can last before we all go down in flames. What should I do?
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