by, 13th August 2010 at 01:07 AM (267 Views)
Friday the 13th. Already bad for me.
I feel terrible. My small blog a few hours back made me feel like such a douche.
My parents always fought back in '99. They finally divorced in early January of 2000. I guess my father's affair was to blame. My mother and both of my older brothers moved into a trailer that month. I started loving my father afterwards. So much that I always called him up in the weekends and spent every Saturday night with him at the old house. I loved him.
But in 2002, he changed his number. He never told me the new one. I felt so betrayed. That wasn't all. Before that, I met a lady friend of his. They kissed and hugged the way he did with my mother. And her children called my father "uncle". And before that, he told me to tell my brothers that they aren't allowed to visit him. Only I was.
Why did he do all that? Did he really love me? Or just respect me?
Eversince, my mother and my brothers grew bitter, and passed it onto me. They're all fighters, but I'm a lover. And there lies the problem.
I don't know love anymore. After my father left me, I didn't know anything anymore. My world was ruined.
I don't trust my mother either. Every time I cried about a problem, she'd solve it to make me stop complaining. I know, because I recently cried for a problem, and all she could bitch about is how she didn't enjoy whatever she was doing, like eating.
My brothers are worse. The oldest always hurt me for no appearant reason. And the second-oldest always used me to get wha he wanted, like a Wii or a drumset, and later on ends up pawning them for drug-money.
Am I a lover? I haven't recieved or been able to give love for years. Up until the end of middle school I was that lonely kid who'd stannd in the corner of the lunchroom by myself. And my freshman year, I got friends. It was my rebirth. I forgot about my love-getting problems. And I became someone. I became he kid who can give a profound word.
And I was very happy, until I saw one of my friend's conversations here hours ago. She spoke with someone else here. And I saw that dreadful word...
I've seen it many times before, but this time, it was the thought behind it that hit me. It was as if the bomb attatched to my heart exploded again. It reminded me of the love I never got or was able to give.
In my freshman year, when a girl named Alex wanted to go out with me, I rejected her. And she was my crush Why did that happen? Because I knew not of what we would share.
So I created this colorful mask. to shield you of these words. I feel so bad. I have nothing right now...
I'm sorry, reader...