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Rate this Speech Introduction

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I happen to be working in English class on an outline of an informative speech. I decided to write up what the introduction would look like as part of the outline. I want to see what others think about it. I attend online schooling, so getting critiques for my writing is somewhat difficult. This isn't serious obviously, so there won't be an actual speech. It's not stating what I believe either, so no debates or flaming please. =o= It's just an example if anything.

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  1. Serenity's Avatar
    *Starts Debating and Flaming*

    Love you, Sky. :P

    In all seriousness, I like how that beginning. It makes me want to read more about what you're writing. So, great job. :D
  2. Karisse's Avatar
    "This concept was brought on through television shows, movies, books, and comics, and for the longest time, it was labeled as being purely fictitious."
    That's how I think those two sentences should be merged, but others may disagree. I dunno. ._.

    "But now-- recent revelations(...)"
    The two dashes there put me off, but I guess I'm just not used to seeing them used that way. :x

    Aside from what I listed, it looks great. ^^
  3. ScarletSky's Avatar
    @Hypersonic:I was trying to make that long dash writers sometimes use. =~=;
  4. Karisse's Avatar
    Even still, I don't usually see that...at least in that situation.
  5. Master Mew's Avatar
    First, dashes of various lengths for you to choose from: (‒, –, —, ―)

    Now, onto syntax and semantics...

    Popular culture has spawned numerous ideas in our curious minds. One of these is the imaginative theory that intelligent life may exist elsewhere in our universe; that we aren't alone. Brought on through television shows, movies, books, and comics. For the longest time, this concept was labeled as being purely fictitious. But now-- recent revelations in astronomical headlines appear to put this previously-sound conclusion under a level of pressure.
    Is this a persuasive piece? If not, and you are attempting to maintain a level of neutrality, I would suggest replacing the phrases "spawned" and "brought on" with terminology bearing less negative connotations.

    Other than that, I think it's an excellent introduction.
  6. Megaman's Avatar
    I'd say try not to use such fancy language. Sometimes saying things simply sounds smarter than using a bunch of big words.
  7. ScarletSky's Avatar
    @Master Mew: I'm not calling it persuasive due to the lack of research. It mostly takes into consideration what I already know. If I was to write further, it might take on a more persuasive tone depending on what the research shows. (More or less, I'd be looking up the information I remember reading before the assignment to confirm it. I mean, you know memory alone makes a very iffy literary piece, right? One that people wouldn't take seriously.) That being said, I probably should make a few adjustments to the overall tone just to be safe.

    @Megaman: Fancy? That's not far off from how I tend to talk in some situations. I don't usually pay much mind to such a thing. =o= But regardless, I do have a preference for bigger, much more descriptive words.
  8. Master Mew's Avatar
    As a general rule, Megaman is right. When it comes to phrasing, less is more.

    However, in this case I actually think you walked the line very well in this regard.

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