Betrayed, rejected, unwanted
by, 6th September 2009 at 12:32 PM (1178 Views)
Yes, its time for another sad blog.
Today was my last day of summer, I wasted the whole day, sitting around waiting for Phoenicks to come online so I could speak to him as I enjoy talking to him, and wanted to spend my last day of summer talking to him, but he hasn't come on at all.
We used to spend loads of time PMing each other, when he was on summer break too, and we became close friends, but when he went back to school he promised he would be more busy but we'd stay friends, and he'd be on late nights on the weekdays, and talk to me on weekends.
So each night for the past 2 weeks ive waited up really late, but he hasn't come on, until I find out, he hides as invisible so he can talk to other people such as Nicoleta (no offence to her she is lovely) and post in his healthcare thread, but he hasnt sent a signle post to me, or responded to one of mine.
I feel betrayed almost, that close friendship is gone, and it's like I've stopped existing, all this time I thought he was busy, he's not he's just invisible.
This is always the case with me, no one wants to be my friend, i want to shout and scream, but then people only look at you weird, and are even horribler to you. In school no one really wants to be my friend, i have to go up and talk to other people, and I never make it into a clic.
I'm always the friend they "forget" to invite to the party, or "forget" to include in their plans. In the past I've felt suicidal over it, and if it wasn't for the thought of leaving behind my mum on this planet without me I would have killed myself long ago.
Which brings me to another point, would anyone care. Not really. say I didnt come on Bulbagarden for a month, would anyone ask where Ciaran has gone, I have over 30 so called friends in my contacts, but would any of them care if I was to disapear. Would anyone have even bothtered to read this far down in this blog?
Truth is, people naturally hate me, I have this aura or something that repels people, I've never been able to penetrate into a clic, I always feel left out on the outside.
I just feel so low, and I bet I'll get at least one person calling this blog, moaning or whining or emo or soemthing.
I really want help, I really want friends, to be close in a group to have a person that i can tell all my secrets to and they tell all there secrets to me, because we trust eachother, someone who actually cares if I exist or not, someone who actually wants to spend time with me, if so many people can get that, why cant i?