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The immortal tale of Judas

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by , 7th August 2011 at 03:57 PM (306 Views)
This is a little story I wrote a couple of months ago that I found on my google docs account. I realise this should probably go into the Writer's Workshop but I didn't want to overshadow everyone else's work so I'm posting it here to spare my fellow authors' feelings ;)
So, without further ado:

There once was a young man named Judas who had an incredibly troublesome snake. It writhed and wriggled, slinking under his sheets while he slept and wrapping around his neck, cutting off oxygen and causing his dreams to meld into crazy malevolent blurs even lewis carroll would recoil from. then, he was saved from this terrible fate by his often-overlooked penis. It sprang to attention, ready to plunge forth into battle against the equally-phallic reptile currently wrapping around her (yes, it’s a her) master’s neck.

*

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” it bellowed, waving its shaft furiously at the impeding danger. The snake, thinking it had found some prey that was going to be even easier to digest.

*

*

“RA RA, AH AH AH!” it cried at the phallus as she valiantly attempted to protect her master. “ROMA, ROM-MA-MA!”

*

“Shut up or I’ll poke yer face,” the penis retorted, with a wry smile.

*

The serpent hissed, stereotypically. This was the war to end all conflicts. The scaly length (oh ho, which one) twisted towards its enemy, whispering and spitting something vile and vitriolic “Boy, the way you blowin’ up my phone won’t make me leave no faster, put my coat on faster, leave my girls home faster!” Trouser snake vs seething anaconda. A cough, and a splutter, and the bed shook slightly. In a panic, the reptilian fiend quickly withdrew her body from the man’s neck, releasing her grasp and, with mild delight, escaped to the end of the bed before the sounds of his pathetic gasping had given way to steady breaths. Judas looked down in confusion, then saw his erection and smiled fondly.

*

“Hello, master Judas. Did you sleep comfortably?” the penis asked of her loyal highness.

*

“Yes, but I had the strangest dream, erection. You see, I had a dream that a snake tried to kill me but you saved my life with your Gaga lyrics.”

*

“That is quite the predicament, Master Judas. But, are you sure you’re not still dreaming; I mean, you are speaking to your erection....”

*

“Quite so, old chap.”

*

“CHAP?” the erection shrieked with fury and malice. “I AM NO CHAP, I AM AN ERECTION. A WONDERFUL, GRACEFUL, FEMALE ERECTION. You inconsiderate man. WHY DOES NO ONE RESPECT ME?”

*

“Dude, you’re a talking penis.”

*

“Ah fuck.”

*

Huddled below an old woolly blanket at Judas’ feet, the snake mused over the boy’s nationality as she heard him mutter both ‘chap’ and ‘dude’ within a few seconds. Then she heard some rather more amorous noises and promptly fled the room. the end. or not.

*

With a flash of its teeth, the mongoose attacked. Ripping into the snake with all its might, it felt the need to destroy this snake, the snake that had threatened the life of its wife - the erection. With a blood-curdling shriek, it pounced once more. Scales flew in every direction as the snake twisted and turned, spewing Gaga lyrics but not knowing how to latch onto the mongoose. Hopefully, it could knock the mongoose out with its formidable pair of bollocks and its magnificently large tail.

*

“YOU BITCH; YOU SLUT!” the mongoose swore as it went in for the final strike.

*

“THAT MONGOOSE IS A MONSTER(mu-mu-mu-mu-monster, mum-mu-mu-mu-monster)!” the snake cried, hoping an ally would hear. Unfortunately, all the gaga lyrics in the world couldn’t save the snake from its mortal peril.

*

“Ha. You stupid snake,” the mongoose spat at the snake’s dead, limp body. “Now, to get down to my wife!”

*

Judas’ face had a look of incredulous curiosity and arousal when the mongoose dove onto his erection.

*

“We are in love,” the erection said.

*

“Haven’t you heard?” the mongoose added.

*

“HOW WE ROCK EACH OTHERS’ WUH-HE-ORLD!” they repeated together. United by true love at last. Judas resigned himself to never again consuming so much mature cheddar and port before bed, and awoke the next day with vague memories of an awfully furry wetdream.

*

And then Judas remembered - how could he forget? -*he was John F. Kennedy and he had his hands on Lady Gaga. What a silly goose. Lady Gaga peered out from behind her impressive sunglasses, measuring approximately 7x4m, and smirked. JFK rapidly shook his head, a wondrous feeling washing over him as he began to realise that he was no longer trapped in that eternally damning Catholic invention of purgatory - and then President Kennedy remembered - how could he forget? - he was a Spice Girls backup dancer. Daft little sod.

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Updated 7th August 2011 at 04:04 PM by revolvingscott

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  1. revolvingscott's Avatar
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    Okay, ignore the random asterisks, s'il vous plait... Comes from copy/pasting from another site on my phone (no computer ATM)
  2. Milo†icgirl McQüeen's Avatar
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    Lol, pissed my pants xD

    Oh god, QT, I love you somtimes, have I ever told you? xD

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