by, 11th April 2011 at 11:11 PM (469 Views)
Life sucks sometimes, you know? I'm not trying to sound whiney or fish for attention, but writing down how I feel helps me feel better.
First, my fucking heart. I'm so sick of surgeries, blood tests, medicine, scheduling more surgeries and doctor's appointments. Anytime I actually get to leave the hospital, I always have to schedule the next time I have to come in. It's just draining to know that for the rest of my life, I might never ever be fully healthy to the point where I don't have to think about my health.
I used to be a very good soccer player (high school all-state, Minnesota state select team, Olympic Develop Program, etc.), and now I can't even run two miles without feeling like my heart is going to explode inside my chest.
I used to go out and enjoy life with friends every weekend, and now I normally have phsyical therapy and/or doctor's visits... and even when I am home, I can't go play football or pick-up basketball with my friends because I am not supposed to over-exert myself! Fuck!
My friends have been great, always visiting me and trying to keep my spirits up, but I've been in the hospital so much, I can tell that it's starting to become a burden on them to feel like they are obligated to keep coming and visiting at the same frequency.
I also missed my best friend's epic 20th birthday party because I was in the hospital.
To make matters even worse and more frightening, the doctors don't exactly know why the prosthetic valve they installed on my heart isn't completely working. They don't have any definitive answers about ANYTHING. How long I have to go through this, how long the valve will hold up, even how long I can expect to live.
Secondly, my job sucks and I don't know if I'll ever get to where I want to be career-wise.
This heart trouble has really been problematic for my college career. With the financial strain that my condition has put on my family, I had to drop out of the university I was attending.
I work part-time as a real estate agent, but again, with much of my time being spent in doctor-related places, I haven't been able to do as well as I would like.
My dream is to be an author. But seriously, how realistic is it to think you can make a good living as an author? Our dumbass society (in the United States anyway) places more importance on television like MTV's Jersey Whore show, blockbuster movies, and YouTube entertainment. No one reads books anymore. Add to the fact that I had to drop out of college, and yea... Fuck!
Oh yeah, you know what else? My girlfriend of two years cheated on me WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. 'The fuck is that?!
All on top of that, I got yelled at today in the Writer's Workshop because of a thread I started and have since erased.
Basically, I was making suggestions about how the Workshop could be improved, and without trying to, I inadvertedly came off as critical towards the Workshop's mods, all of whom I hold in very high regard.
So basically, I came off as an ass-hole, which I regret because I honestly cherish the Writer's Workshop and the friends I've made there. I cherish it even more nowadays because of how shitty my life is in virtually every other facet.
So I guess that's why it hurt my feelings so much when I was accused of being "disingenuous" and accused of trying to criticize the mods and everything by someone who is never in the Writer's Workshop and someone who has never even said one word to me for the 2+ years I've been on these forums.
And it hurt even more than no one from the Workshop, not one of the people who I thought were my "friends" stuck up for me when that person accused me of being "disengenuous" and not wanting what was best for the WW.
Look, I know I was in the wrong with my thread. I know I should have asked the mods before posting something like that, but it just pisses me off a little how restricted we non-mods are in terms of trying to start discussions about anything concerning new ideas or things we can do to make the place we love a better place.
Yes, I realize the mods here do a great job. I sincerely believe that every mod does a great job, and I appreciate the work they put in. I really do.
But it's off-putting to say the least to get totally ripped for simply trying to start a conversation among my peers about how to help fellow authors who feel neglected there.
Getting told that I am "disingenuous" about my love for the Writer's Workshop just fucking pisses me off because with my life the way it is now, the WW and my friends here at Bulbagarden are all I have left aside from my family and my few remaining "real life" friends.
So yeah, I was wrong in overstepping my bounds. I am sorry for making it sound like I don't appreciate the mods here. I was careless in that regard.
But don't fucking tell me that I don't want what's best for this place or that I'm "disingenuous."
I'm sorry for my rant. Again, I know I was totally in the wrong, and I apologize once again. I am just having a bad couple of months and need to vent.
I have never been one to talk or think about suicide, and I really am not a fan of people talking about suicide just to get attention, but the idea of not having to suffer through this shit is becoming more and more appealing by the day.
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