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  1. Tech Support Callers Say The Darndest Things!

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note.
    Customer: No, wait a minute...I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk...sorry...

    Tech: Click on the "My Computer" icon on the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    Tech: Good day. How may I help you?
    Customer: ...
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  2. The Top 10 Weird Things To Do In An Elevator:

    10. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's A Small World" over and over again.
    9. Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
    8. When the elevator is full, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and tell them to call you "Admiral."
    6. In a demonic voice, announce, "I must find a more suitable host body!" ...
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  3. Actual News Headlines

    "Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say"
    --No, really?

    "Miners Refuse To Work After Death"
    --Lazy asses.

    "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It Could Last Awhile"
    --Ya think?

    "Red Tape Holds Up Bridges"
    --There's something stronger than duct tape?

    "Man Struck By Lightning; Faces Battery Charge"
    --Pretty sure he is the battery charge.

    ...
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  4. Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

    Do you suffer from shyness?
    Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

    If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

    Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

    You will notice the benefits of Tequila ...
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  5. Busted Drivers Say The Darndest Things!

    These are actual pieces of dialogue between police and drivers they've pulled over, as recorded by police cameras:

    "I thought you didn't give pretty girls tickets."
    "You didn't think we gave pretty girls tickets? You're absolutely right, we don't. Sign here."

    "How many years of education do you have?"
    "I've got 20 years of education. I graduated 10th grade twice."

    "At this time, are you willing ...
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