DracoMan

10. You short out motion detectors.
9. You don't sweat; you percolate.
8. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
7. You can jump-start your car without jumper cables.
6. You lick your coffee pot clean.
5. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
4. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
2. You chew on other people's fingernails. (Ewww...)

And the number ...

Yesterday, I said I'd write about something besides rednecks. After all, despite the inherent humor potential of the subject, I didn't want this blog to be known just for that. Therefore, I think today I shall discuss the importance of campaign finance reform and its potential effects on our political landscape.

...Nah, just kidding. Actually, I realized that since I was changing my subject material, I hadn't actually planned out what I was going to write today. See, this is what ...

You believe the most effective form of advertising is on the side of a car going 200 miles per hour...round and round and round...

Anyone who watches NASCAR should understand this one. It worked on me when I was a little rugrat. I always insisted that Mom buy the brands that were on my favorite cars.

You've ever passed an entire funeral procession.

Well, it wasn't my fault that they were going so [EFF!]ing slow.

Your medical plan is to ...

Well, I promised I'd provide an accounting of my unsophistication, so here it is:

The closest you've come to royalty is eating at Burger King.

That's me in a nutshell. I can just about guarantee that you'll never see me at a state dinner at Buckingham Palace.

You think The Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

I've done that. It stung like hell.

You've ever smuggled food out of an all-you-can-eat buffet. ...

And I don't even come from Mississippi or talk like Larry the Cable Guy.

That's one of the major misconceptions about rednecks: that we all come from south of the Mason-Dixon line and talk like we're in The Dukes of Hazzard. The truth is that we're everywhere, from Michigan deer hunters to California beach bums. And even most people who claim to not be rednecks have had at least one moment.

According to Jeff Foxworthy (the ultimate authority on the subject), the definition ...