On a septic truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
...And meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter tells them, "All right, listen up. While you're in Heaven, you'll each get a car to drive. The kind of car you get depends on how faithful you were to your wives." He turns to the first man and says, "Now tell me honestly: have you ever cheated on your wife?"
The man answers, "Well, honestly, I did cheat on her twice."
Peter nods. "All right, then, you'll be getting a little Yugo."
A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot. She finds one that she likes and asks if she can have it. The employee, however, warns her about the parrot: "You should probably know that this parrot used to live in a whorehouse, and every once in a while, it may say something inappropriate." The woman decides to take a chance and buys the parrot.
She brings the parrot home and sets up its cage in the living room. The parrot looks around the house, looks at the woman, and
An engineer is outside taking a walk when he comes upon a frog. The frog says to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineer picks the frog up, smiles at it, puts it in his pocket, and keeps walking.
A while later, the frog sticks its head out and says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and stay with you for an entire week." The engineer looks down at it, smiles, puts it back in his pocket, and continues walking.
A burglar is at work one night robbing a house while its owners are asleep. He is quietly stashing various goodies into his bag when he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." At this, the burglar freezes for a full minute, not even daring to breathe. Trembling with fear, he shines his flashlight around the room, but sees nothing. He figures that the voice he heard was only his imagination, and he gets right back to work.
He's busy unhooking a plasma TV when he again