I really gotta stop doing that.
by, 9th June 2010 at 10:46 AM (258 Views)
Whenever I end up in a bad situation- usually when I have a bad teacher -I don't realize just how awful my situation was until after I'm out of it. I think it's a defense mechanism of some sort.
It happened with my sixth and eighth-grade math teacher, and it just happened again with my Honors English I teacher, Mrs. Smith.
I had a bunch of senior friends who had her for Honors English IV, and they absolutely loved her. They'd talk about her as though she was God. And I believed what they said about her this entire year. She would never tell me what I did correctly in my writing or tell me that she liked anything about the unique writing style my middle school English teacher always praised me for. And she even bothered to make this huge stink about my word choice in a creative writing assignment.
The character who said that lived over a thousand years ago. When you have a character that old, it's logical to portray them with an archaic speaking style, right? But no. She only cared about grammar. It bothers me when something isn't historically accurate. She didn't care at all, and I got like a B on the assignment."Thank you, but I'm in no hurry."
While we were reading Lord of the Flies in class, Smith posted up a study guide for us to fill in online about the chapters we read. I finished early before everyone else, so I started working on the study guide on my school-issued Macbook. And then, Smith went up to me in front of the entire class and told me- loud enough for other people in the vicinity to hear -that I was typing too loud and to go out in the hallway. Everyone was staring at me. Still under the illusion that she was awesome, I obliged and worked on it out there. A sophomore I recognized from band, Luke, passed by, and he asked me why I was out there. I told him, and he said, "Huh. That's odd."
At the same time, we had begun work on our research projects. I was convinced that I was going to do awesome on it, and get an A, because I have five years of experience with Independent Study (a much larger research project) backing me up. All throughout my years with the gifted program, I was praised by teachers, classmates, and IS Fair judges alike for my unique style. And Smith had the nerve to put down the very things that got me so much attention just a year before.
I understand now that a natural-sounding, conversational writing style isn't good for English research projects with thesis statements. But it doesn't excuse why she'd nake no effort to try to understand or work with me, even though my homeroom teacher (who works with the special ed kids) had notified her early on about my Asperger's Syndrome. That's inexcuseable. I still have no idea how I managed to believe she was this amazing person through the end.
My very last day with her was Friday with my combined Lord of the Flies/grammar semester exam. As for the thesis paper and the exam, I got a C on both while still maintaining a B as my overall grade. When I woke up the next morning, my mom showed me the grade report for English that she printed out and proceeded to question me about my grade on the exam and my paper, then proceeded to ask me why I never used Cliffnotes or Sparknotes if I was having so much trouble with understanding the books. I got a bath and mulled it over for a bit and realized that it was because I was scared of being caught cheating if I spent the entire year not noticing certain symbolisms that she wanted, and then suddenly knew what they meant. Convoluted and somewhat ridiculous, yeah.
So I got out and told her that then I suddenly broke out in tears when I realized that my attempts at pleasing her- just to prove to myself that she was as great as my friends said -had been futile and that she wasn't very good at all.
It's... heartbreaking to bank your happiness into someone and recieve nothing in return.
But at the same time, I survived. I'm done with her until senior year. I escaped with a B, and that's all that matters to me. I'll have a different lady for Honors English II next year, so I can start anew and try again.
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