My attempt at being Comedic
by, 11th November 2010 at 04:52 PM (316 Views)
So Me and some friends created a blog, and we write comedy in it. Well, our attempts, because, honestly, we suck at life.
But recently, I wrote a "Paper" on it, which was about pokemon, and I used Bulbapedia for definitions (I stated Bulbapedia as the source that it all came from, kind of.)
So, this being relevant, I decided to post it for you guys, so you could tell me how badly I suck. (Please, because I need to improve.)
... and its horrible treatment of Pokemon.
Pokeballs. Great Balls. Master Balls. Testiculos de Acero.
All names for the greatest horror man has ever created. To begin, I want to use the definition of what I will speak of today.
Bulbapedia, a source that apparently exists, says that "A Poké Ball is a type of item that is critical to a Trainer's quest, used for catching and storing Pokémon. Both a general term used to describe the various kinds as well as a specific term to refer to the most basic among these variations, Poké Balls are ubiquitous in the modern Pokémon world. Up to six Pokémon can be carried with a Trainer in Poké Balls, while any number of other Poké Balls can be held in the bag for later use. These six Pokémon in the Poké Balls can be attached to the user's belt for carrying them around. Some Pokémon do not like to be carried around in Poké Balls, such as Ash's Pikachu.
The strength of a Poké Ball is determined by how much it raises a wild Pokémon's catch rate, and may in fact vary depending on the conditions of the battle. Poké Balls limit the power of Pokémon contained inside, taming them, though they do not cause the Pokémon inside to always obey the Trainer."
In essense these are cages, Cages that hold living creatures that are only released to provide physical labor. But not only that, the only other time they escape this confinement is when they are released to brutally kick the shit out of their own kind.
The anime makes it clear how this process functions:
1. A trainer sees a pokemon.
2. He throws a pokeball.
3. Out pops one of his many slaves.
4. He commands it to use attacks that will leave the other pokemon in critical condition, while optimally tying to give it a horrible condition. (A pokemon is much more likely to be caught if it is POISONED after all.)
5. He throws a pokeball, and catches that bastard thing that had DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS.
Your mother sucks cocks in hell. -Mew, before capture.
But besides that, after the first capture is done it shouldn't hurt anymore right? Wrong.
Let us back track to the way the pokeball caches the poor little critter. "Though the technology behind a Poké Ball remains unknown, the basic mechanics are simple enough to understand: in a Pokémon battle, once an opposing wild Pokémon has been weakened, a person, the Pokémon Trainer, can throw a Poké Ball at it. The Poké Ball has a special capsule design. If the Poké Ball hits the Pokémon and is not knocked back by it, the Poké Ball will open, convert the Pokémon to a form of energy, and pull it into its center, closing. A Pokémon in this state is given a chance to struggle to attempt to escape... A Pokémon who does not escape the ball will be caught."
Not only are you throwing a cage at it, but you are also giving it the thought that it can get away. But it can't. The sick fuck throwing the balls at it won't give up. He's gotta catch 'em all. He's causing the thing pain each time too, because whoever designed the pokeball had the bright idea that one has to throw a god damn half pound projectile at the alread-injured animal. Repeatedly.
But perhaps I'm being unfair. Maybe the trainer gives up after weakening it, Poisoning/Paralyzing/Freezing/Forcing it to sleep/Confusing/Burning it, and throwing projectiles at it mercilessly. Thus, he has two options:
a. Command his slave to use hyper beam and remove the opposing pokemon from this world, or
b. Letting it go free.
"Take the second option you say?" Here's what happens: CuteLittleFluffingtonMcThing walks away, into the woods.
There, Nature and Darwinism wipe it out, because right afterwards another CuteLittleFluffingtonMcThing will appear. AND BRUTALLY BEAT THIS THING THAT HAS BEEN WEAKENED TO THE POINT OF DEATH. From here, the C.L.F.M.T. will pray to the great pokemon in the sky to let it die swiftly.
And you know what? The pokemon that died was knocked out lived a better life than that of the one that beat it shitless.
Before I get into the horribleness of what happens when they go through training, let's see the process of catching and recatching pokemon:
"When a Pokémon is released from a Poké Ball, it will be accompanied by a bright light as it returns from its energy form, and materialize nearby, often on the ground. ...Recalling a Pokémon to its Poké Ball is also relatively simple, as all a person must do is hold up the Poké Ball with its button pointed at the Pokémon. A beam of red light will shoot from the button, converting the Pokémon back into energy and returning it to the Ball. ... If the beam hits a person, they will be stunned for a moment, but aside from that no ill effects will make themselves apparent."
The damn thing stuns a person when it hits them. At best, it only causes the pokemon to be stunned. Each time. Until the end of its life. (While I'm at it, I want to point out that animals in captivity outlive those in the wild).
At worst, its being murdered each time. This makes sense if you think of the context of transportation. C.L.F.M.T.2 up there weighs around 1000 pounds. In order to get anywhere in a pokeball, the thing would have to be picked apart molecule by molecule and rebuilt when it was released. If this is the case then theres no point in carrying the molecules from palce to place, all they would have to do is use the nearby molecules once in the new place. This in effect kills and creates the thing each time. As said above, and as illustrated by the many times it has happened, a pokemon that believes it doesn't need to obey its trainer won't. This usually happens around the time that the pokemon evolves: Once it knows that it can fight back the overlord that is bringing it all this pain, it will. "How does it remember the pain?" you may ask. My answer to that is that if it has to learned all of these attacks over its training time and doesn't regress to its primal attacks each time, then there must be some way that they keep their memories. Even the most painful ones.
'I have seem many of my comrades fall.
Also, I once walked in on Ash and Brock.
I mean... Pikaaaaa!
FUCK THAT, THIS IS TOO PAINFUL.'
Next. Remember what I said about the projectiles and the pain and the beating mercilessly? The pokemon that are caught have to do this repeatedly. Never is a battle one-sided. In a single battle a pokemon might be beaten 90 percent to death, with the bright aspect of death coming at it. This hope is usually broken by A) it winning and being healed, or B) it being healed to stay in the same battle, or C) It losing, being healed, and forced to fight more pokemon in order to get stronger
Lets say that option C occurs. First, it gets taken to a machine that heals it. while this might sound like a good idea, the Nurse Joy seems to be worried about Quantity, because she only takes a minute to heal a set of six pokemon. Quantity over Quality is not good in the healthcare system.
Afterwards the trainer takes it out to gain experience. In this case, Experience means beating the shit out of other pokemon for no apparent reason; in the end it usually "knocks out" the other pokemon. At this rate, the winner must know that it has ended a life. Many times. Its being forced to murder. The psychological trauma must be horrible, and its the one thing that pokemon do not forget when they are built and rebuilt.
Also, trainers that train pokemon for a stat have to beat a repeated number of the same pokemon for their EV's. This might lead to Speciesism. And this whole writting hasn't even touched on the P.E.D.s.
*Charms include Murder, Trauma, Slavery, Forced Violence, Forced murder, Poisonings, deaths, Racism, Greed, Drug use, exhaustion, terrible medical treatment, murder and broken families.
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