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You look at Medusa, you turn to stone. Medusa looks at TNA, she turns to stone.

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So I watched my first TNA Pay Per View yesterday. Except I was smart enough not to pay. TNA, short for Total Nonstop Action wrestling, is a wrestling promotion started by Jeff Jarett. A man who at one point went from the #2 bad guy in the WWE to a midcard jobber, simply because their top star at the time didn't want to work with him. So you can understand why he'd be pissed enough to start his own promotion. Now, I knew going into the Pay Per View that TNA has been a joke for years. But despite that, I was not prepared for the atrocity that awaited me when I tuned into the stream.

In particular, there was a fucking horrible segment where the winner of some contest would get a date with some chick, known as "ODB", which sounds more like a mental disorder than a female wrestler's name. Competing in the tournament were some random guy from backstage, an indy wrestler who sounds like Larry The Cable Guy, and "Stone Cold" Shark Boy. No, not that Stone Cold; it's Shark Boy. Who implemented part of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's gimmick into his. All that coming from a guy who is supposedly shy! To quote someone else on this segment...

If I had a gun this segment would have caused me to commit suicide. I'm not even joking. This is fucking ATROCIOUS! Cody dedicates his dance to the late Dale Earnhardt. I bet he just rolled over in his grave. Okay, after seeing Cody's dance moves I have now decided that this is the single worst segment in professional wrestling history. No, not pay-per-view history. This is the worst thing I've ever seen in all of wrestling. In fact, this is the worst thing that has ever happened in human history. In comparison the holocaust was a misunderstanding.
"Cody" is the indy wrestler. He won the contest, and all it took were some dance moves that were basically just shaking his upper body and waving his arm around, and the one-line "my beard isn't the longest thing on me!" If I were in the crowd at that very moment, I would've yelled "Yeah, your arm and legs are longer!" I mean, come on! It's fine if you want to make inneundo, but don't make fucking retarded inneundo!

Then there was a match that would mark the return of Samoa Joe, one of the few good young talent that TNA has on them. While he would do better there than in WWE (where he'd just be another boring-ass slow monster heel; at best Umaga's storyline brother), they haven't utilized him as they should've. But the match ended in a disqualification when Joe went apeshit and...well, actually, it ended when he threw the ref out of the ring, but it should've ended when he hit his opponent: Scott Steiner, with a lead pipe. He continued kicking Steiner's ass all the way to backstage after the match, and later cut a promo on how he's going to be like that from now on. Also consider how Joe is supposed to be a good guy (face) in the storyline, and Steiner is supposed to be a bad guy (heel). The person had this to say about things like this...

You know, going back to the Samoa Joe segment, does anybody else find the humor in the fact that TNA is attempting to promote a guy that STABS PEOPLE WITH A KNIFE as a face? I mean, I know that TNA isn't exactly the best writers in the world - but surely you can see why stabbery would likely be listed under the listing of a heel. For that matter, how come no heels have ever had the character of a guy that likes to disfigure people like a killer in a horror movie?
Then there was the match against Beer Money Inc. and Team 3D (better known as The Dudleys). If Beer Money lost, they'd lose their titles, but if Team 3D lost, they'd lose their jobs. I would've lost on purpose if I were Team 3D. To wit how bad the writing is, Beer Money got themselves intentionally disqualified (meaning 3D won, but don't get the titles), but then the match was restarted as a no disqualification match. So what happens? Team 3D wins by countout! That almost makes too much sense.

One of the highlights was the Ultimate X Match, a TNA original based on high-risk moves. The championship (or an "X") is positioned above the ring, suspended on cables laid out in an "X" formation, and to win, you need to climb over to get the belt. This once led to a humorous incident where the belt kept falling off, but they seemed to have fixed that problem. As usual, there were lots of crazy spots at the end. But the finish happened when "Suicide", a character who debuted in the TNA Video Game who later debuted in the actual promotion who is at the moment not being played by Christopher Daniels (aka Curry Man) because the guy who was supposed to be playing him got injured, did a splash from the scaffolding onto Jay Lethal, Chris Sabin, and Consequences Creed (some guy based off Apollo Creed from the Rocky movies). This moment would've been cooler if he actually hit them and not just slammed into the middle and had them all drop down. Still, the amount of botches killed the match, but it was still watchable.

Some have called the PPV the worst they've ever seen. It's definitely a contender, I'd say, but far from the worst. At least Booker T VS AJ Styles was good. The bottom line is TNA is a living example of how even if you have all the talent in the world, if you can't use that talent effectively, you will be an utter failure. I will say this much: their women's division is better than WWE's (both are filled with botches, but at least TNA's try to be good), and most of all, it's fun to watch to see how big a trainwreck things are. :D

So yeah. Hopefully, RAW tonight will restore some of the brain cells I lost. It's looking good for the first time in a while, though even when John Cena was having his year-long championship reign of terror, it was still better than TNA.

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  1. Phoenicks's Avatar
    OOoooh, Medusa got burned!


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