I'm really glad to be able to help.
I'm pretty sure that your physical body, if it had some level of consciousness of its own, would have to be pretty picky to want someone else to occupy it. That probably made less sense in text than it did in my head, but I think you get what I meant. You write things. Amazingly. You could write a book. I would read it. ...The point is, you're not inconveniencing anyone. You're most certainly not inconveniencing me. And you are definitely not pretentious or an attention whore. Honestly, I could come up with some people who fit the definitions, and you're not even remotely close. Least of all do you not deserve to be supported or have supportive friends. Everyone goes through something like this on varying levels and with different ways of expressing it, and everyone deserves support for it, and that includes you. You're a great friend, and besides that, it'd be a crime for me as another human to ignore something like this. And I know stuff like this doesn't magically fix itself in an instant, but it does get better over time.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you all get through everything alright.
Thank you. I appreciate you telling me this, and I can identify with pretty much everything you've said-- which was the point of telling me, I suppose. And I appreciate this reassurance, this evidence that I'm not quite so alone, that it's not just me who thinks the way I do. It makes me feel much less like a broken person, called into existence at the last minute from the reject bin. There are times when I think that I-- that is, my consciousness, the intangible aspect of what I can truly call 'myself'-- am doing the corporeal element of my existence a disservice by occupying it. With the right consciousness, with the right occupant, I'm sure this body could be capable of so much. But no, it's stuck with me. But that's an admittedly-out-there and rather spiritualist way of looking at it.
Long story short, thanks for posting this. I'm glad I'm appreciated. I could say that I feel as though I don't deserve such support, or such a good friend, but that would just lead into another loop of this vicious cycle of despair. And wording it like that makes me feel pretentious, and complaining about that makes me feel like an attention whore. For now, though, I'll try to keep it at the back of my mind. It's the holiday-season, and what with my maternal grandmother's passing on the 25th, my parents (who were hit much harder by the news than I) kind of need a rock at a time like this...
Going into your blog, I happened upon this. I thought I should say something.
First, congratulations on getting the offer!
Also, since I'm here and you mentioned it, of course I'm okay with you hosting it on that channel.
The 'selfishness' you're mentioning is beginning to sound a whole lot like something I was feeling a little while ago, and still have an echo of today. Based on how you've been describing it, I think the situations are actually fairly similar. I hope you'll excuse me for now giving you a story about myself, but I'm hoping it will help.
It was a few months ago when I started to have an existential crisis. After a while, the thoughts of 'why does anything matter?' zoomed in to 'why do I matter?'. I got what might have been a case of mild depression (I wouldn't know), and although I never considered it with complete seriousness, there was always the lingering knowledge that I was capable of killing myself at any time on the edge of my mind. The most immediate and crushing thing, though, was the continuous conviction that I was being selfish at any given moment. I was selfish for thinking that I mattered and I was selfish for wondering if and hoping people cared. All I could remember were just little things that I'd done wrong, tiny ways in which I'd been mean, that one time that I was in a terrible mood and was a jerk to my friend. I was nearly incapable of bringing to mind a memory of a time in which I hadn't messed up somehow. I felt like I was selfish just for existing, because really the only reason I was living by then was because I was curious as to how it would all turn out. Curiosity, and the simple unwilllingness to die. That was it. The people around me deserved better than to have me around.
And every moment, the possibility haunted me. There are knives in the kitchen. There are some hard rocks at the bottom of that ledge. So what if? What if I did it? I'm sure people would care, but how much, really? I didn't deserve to live. Why would they care? They could move on. I wasn't worth their feelings.
That was my train of thought for a long time. It started affecting me, and at some point I decided to talk to my dad about it, because he's the kind of person who's good to talk to about that kind of thing. We talked for a while, and the main thing that I took out of it, the thing I'm retelling this to you for, is that it's not selfishness.
You aren't selfish. You're the complete opposite, because you care enough about other people to actually accuse yourself of being so. You're actually a very cool person. It's really a lot of fun to roleplay with you in Island Life. There are people that care about you and your well being, and it's because you deserve it. Sometimes, it's just hard to see.
Some of my happiest memories are from holidays in Lanzarote. My parents and I went to the same apartment block thing with their best friends and their two sons. One was two years younger than me and one was two years older... we made a perfect blend I always thought. We had the exact same issue with the swimming pool - absolutely ridiculous. The first time we went was the year after Pokemon Gold and Silver were released. After dinner we would come back and sit on the balcony in the moonlight and play through our adventures. Amazing.
We went every October for 4 years running. The last time was seven years ago and the month of October has just never been the same since.
Ich bin aus Neuseeland, und ich lerne Deutsch seit nur ein Jahr, so ich weiss nicht so viele Woerte :)
Das war ein Tippfehler. 'Labbrig', auf Englisch, ist 'soggy', oder 'damp'. Mögen Sie diese Wort nicht? Schulden Sie Peter Fox.
I clicked on this because German.
Your old life tasted like a what toast now? Was bedeutet 'labrig'?
Or rather, most people are. >___>
It's true what they say. Life really is a bitch.
I guess you really couldn't. Jeeze. I honestly do worry for my own fate when I see how quickly some people become twofaced/change into someone horrible.
I'd say 'I hope I don't make the same mistake', but...well, how can you tell at the time?
It's comparitively very easy for him right now, then. Gosh.
Wow, that's a heck of a reason. :I I got the same thing asking my mum about my dad, except "He wasn't such an ass once". xD
I don't know. He must have the patience of a saint. I suppose it's helped that he's been working away all week every week for as long as I've been getting buses to school (but coming home at the weekend). Then again, that left me home alone with my mother, leaving me to bear the brunt of her selfishness...
Sometimes I do ask him why he married her. The response:
"Because she was cute once."
Jeeze. I honestly can't imagine how angry that would make me, to be honest. It's just backwards. I can understand you being stuck in this situation, but how come your dad endures it?
Thanks. It's nice to know there's someone there to lend an ear. Living with my mother is maddening. It's a wonder I have an ego at all, the way she acts. My father and I have more or less agreed that, through her eyes, the hierarchy at home is something resembling this. From most, down to least, important:
~Her Almighty Lady and Grace The All-Powerful Lady Of The Manor~
-Topical stuff She cares about
-Maternal extended family
-Paternal extended family
-Whatever happens to be in the toilet bowl right now
That's certainly how it feels, anyway.
I'd like to think so. ^^"
Oh, I can understand that in some ways. My dad would manipulate/guilt/scare you into doing whatever he thought you should but undermined all opinions and feelings if they weren't in line with his. I've got three siblings with different parents, too, though not for the same reasons.
Dude, trust me, if you wanna rant at someone about anything, I am here. I may not be good for much, but empathy I can do.
You might be right on the first point. In fact, you probably are.
As far as my mother goes...well, she goes beyond the classic 'I'm the parent; you do as I say' thing. She treats anyone who isn't a cat like that. Even her own husband. She demands respect without giving respect herself. She bitches about other people but can't take the smallest criticism about herself. She's been trying to trip my father up into doing something the courts would consider 'unreasonable behaviour' so she can divorce him like she did with three men before him. Incidentally, my three siblings all have different fathers. But this is all way off the point. I'm just ranting about my personal life now.
I wouldn't go that far. Different people have different susceptibilities and the body is more resilient than most think so long as you're getting exercise and eating enough.
I think most parents think they are some kind of god when it comes to their kids, unfortunately. :I
I know. I'm used to the system. I'm just sick of pointless blogs that are posted mere seconds after (e.g.) my longer posts get to be shown there, on what becomes a social pedestal, simply for being posted a little later than mine (i.e. the longer post gets no time on said pedestal at all). Surely they should be moderated, or something? I mean, come on. Some of us take blogging seriously, while others just post nonsense in capital letters and call it a blog. I don't want to name names, because, as outlined above, that would make me feel like a douchebag.